I HATE not being normal

[G@yWad69]

I know this is sterotypical, but why me? Why do I have to be a MAP? Why couldnt I be a regular person and just find adults attractive? Adults just look so gross to me. My life and mental health would be so much easier if I was normal, I wouldnt have this life destroying secret to bear. I wouldnt be apart of the worlds most hated community. I could just be a pedo hating normie and have a regular partner and kids and not be apart of some stupid revolution. Every day, people online and in person, jumping MAPs, torturing us, setting us on fire, calling for a mass genocide.

I tried so hard to find my peers and adults attractive in my minor years but all it did was make me repressed and self hating. I just couldnt do it. Theres nothing about adults I can find attractive outside of the rare DILF or attractive young man. There just so…bleh, and kids are so WOW. Everyday I have to go through life acting normal around adults, acting normal around kids, as repressed as a Christian nun. I cant even watch porn of what I find attractive unlike everyone else on this goddamn earth because I would spend decades in jail. I feel like ive been cursed with minor attraction. This is a curse. Im not even a normal MAP, im not attracted to a normal age group like teenagers, I dont even like teenagers, im attracted to fucking NEWBORNS! Who finds newborns attractive?!? Me for some stupid fucking reason. Whats wrong with my brain. I cant even relate to other MAPs because most of them find preteens and teenagers attractive, which is at least understandable psychologically because theyve sexually matured, but im a psychological abnormality. I get why normies call us mentally ill even though I know in my heart im not ill.

I feel so much guilt and shame for simply existing, like ive tortured and murdered a thousand children simply for finding them attractive. Im such a normal person outside my minor attraction, why couldnt my orientation be normal too?? Why did I have to win the unlucky lottery and be a apart of the 1% of pedophiles?? Why did I have to win the unlucky lottery and be apart of the 0.2% of nepiophiles?? Why would God do this to me? What did I do wrong? Does he hate me? Ive been into babys and toddlers since I was 10, I didnt even get a fucking chance to have a normal sex life before finishing elementary school, and I cant even tell my therapist or psychiatrist because they would treat me differently or even report me.

I just want to kill myself and be done with it all. I dont want to fight the antis but im only living out of spite, I just want to give in. Hopefully ill be born a normal person attracted to adults and not be apart of the most hated minority on earth. If the world hates me so bad why dont I just do what they want and shoot myself. Im not even 21 yet, I lied previously about being older. I dont know why life is worth living if not only the world hates me, but im not allowed to experience the one thing humans desire, which is love. Ill kill myself and everyone will be sad that another young person died not knowing my deep dark secret. Maybe ill do it once im old enough to buy a handgun. Ive already been fighting depression for a long ass time unrelated to my minor attraction(since age 9) and now this?? God wants me dead fr. He created me just to torture me. I hate him.

[Aspire6]

I am terribly sorry you feel this way, I wish I could give people a hug through the screen when I read difficult posts like these. Thank you for writing it, I know it must be so difficult at times.

Sometimes we need to hear it from someone else too, so hear this from me:
You are not a monster. You are not alone. You are amazing.

It certainly is not fair to be burdened with such difficulty. Not fair at all.

Just know that you still have purpose and meaning in your life, even if you may not see it right now. Your whole life is still ahead of you. It took me over a decade to accept myself and I've found things that I really enjoy.

I have in the past contemplated suicide, but it is not the answer. It never is the answer. You will regret it the moment you cross the point of no return, except you won't be able to take it back. Please don't go through with it. You now have at least one more person who cares about your well-being, please stay safe and keep your head up, we're all in this together.

[Fragment]

Honestly you said it best yourself:

I know in my heart im not ill.

Listen to your heart in this case and try to find peace there.

You're in a lot of pain- pain I can't even fully understand as a hebephile, but hold onto your truth. You're not broken or evil.