Hello all,
I’ve probably said similar things on here before, but I’m just curious. I actually have even gone back and forth at times saying “am I even really a MAP?” Because of it. (And I think that’s also in part internalized phobia and hatred / anti sexuality of society).
Anyway, the issue for me is I get SO turned on by my imagination - kids on instagram or kids I see out in the world I don’t know. I love reading erotica and fantasy is huge for me- it’s been this way since I hit puberty.
On the other hand, the closer I get to real children, my heart swells and I just don’t care as much about sex or genitalia - for the most part I feel my need for that was met. Unless I am in a phase where I am not acknowledging that need and using fantasy, then it can seem more exiting in reality.
The long story short is I feel I love and want to care for children in the real world - definitely in a super connected way, there is attraction but it feels “normal,” it doesn’t stand out to others at least. I.e I just look like a person deeply caring for kids- because I am.
So I sometimes get caught going back and forth on my identity, but I definitely need fantasy (I am a nepio in this sense, ages 2-8 are best), but I also definitely need real kids in my life - and don’t need to see them nude or do sexual things (not that it’s an option anyway).
I also have ocd and tend to overthink.
Enby
Anyone share this experience?
Re: Anyone share this experience?
Hey! Similar situation here!
Hyperphantaisa can be tricky for me. Sometimes it works just fine, other times I need external stimuli.
While I am an advocate and in support for lowering AoC to allow kids to make decisions, until that happens my fantasy land will do most of the work. Unfortunately it's not always a guarantee, which has been crippling for me as an adult. Another unfortunate reality is what helps generate that hyperphansia is a substance which is illegal here. My brain has lost much of it's ability to make endocannabinoids due to chronic stress of living with a lifelong abuser, but since coming out to my dad (who's supportive) it has been getting a bit better.
I do get the whole being around kids reduces sexual/romantic feelings, though I could still have those feelings if a child was actively flirting with me, and then it would be hard to pass up. There are times where my fantasy world feels just as real, if not even MORE real than this life, and other times it feels like an old forgotten memory where the details and feelings are no longer there, just the thought and wishful, hopeless thinking.
It really irritates me though! I do NOT want to act on my urges to fill the void, but when my hyperphantia isn't there, I cannot feel the "reality" of it and start to crave the real thing as a result.
What's weird is the children in my fantasies aren't even human, or at least not modern day humans, but posthumans or spirits, even deities! Ageless beings who have zero adult/child body dimporphism, and there's no taboo surrounding adult/child relationships, even inter-species ones.
It pains me deeply that world will never be reality and has even driven me to some dark emotional places as a result.
Hyperphantaisa can be tricky for me. Sometimes it works just fine, other times I need external stimuli.
While I am an advocate and in support for lowering AoC to allow kids to make decisions, until that happens my fantasy land will do most of the work. Unfortunately it's not always a guarantee, which has been crippling for me as an adult. Another unfortunate reality is what helps generate that hyperphansia is a substance which is illegal here. My brain has lost much of it's ability to make endocannabinoids due to chronic stress of living with a lifelong abuser, but since coming out to my dad (who's supportive) it has been getting a bit better.
I do get the whole being around kids reduces sexual/romantic feelings, though I could still have those feelings if a child was actively flirting with me, and then it would be hard to pass up. There are times where my fantasy world feels just as real, if not even MORE real than this life, and other times it feels like an old forgotten memory where the details and feelings are no longer there, just the thought and wishful, hopeless thinking.
It really irritates me though! I do NOT want to act on my urges to fill the void, but when my hyperphantia isn't there, I cannot feel the "reality" of it and start to crave the real thing as a result.
What's weird is the children in my fantasies aren't even human, or at least not modern day humans, but posthumans or spirits, even deities! Ageless beings who have zero adult/child body dimporphism, and there's no taboo surrounding adult/child relationships, even inter-species ones.
It pains me deeply that world will never be reality and has even driven me to some dark emotional places as a result.
37, female. Writer, mediocre artist.
Pro-c, though has intrusive rape fantasies and nightmares involving minors.
AoA is usually 2 but can go younger, oldest AoA is around 12-14.
Can like adults if they appear young, but fades with time.
Into zoo too!
Pro-c, though has intrusive rape fantasies and nightmares involving minors.
AoA is usually 2 but can go younger, oldest AoA is around 12-14.
Can like adults if they appear young, but fades with time.
Into zoo too!