Not sure what to write here

[LTWTL17]

Firstly hi
This is difficult as I never written about myself and my likes before. I am 17, I live at home at moment in a moderately sized city. I get told all time, that I am so lucky. That I have had a nice upbringing. That have had loads of benefits, such as good vacations, good clothes. That I have parents who care. However I dont feel lucky I feel cursed.
Everyone says you got a good future, get to go to a good college in a year or so. Even have folks willing to pay for a gap year, for me to go travelling. They happy to pay for me to go where I want. Everyone says i got good friends and work hard for my education. My mom, says not to worry about getting a girlfriend, time for that in college. I put on an act always but it all an act.
Reason well I dont fancy any of the girls I know as friends. I dont fancy any of my friends that are men. I am only attracted to younger girls and boys. It always been that way and was I suppose better when I was closer to the ages that I attracted to. But I like girls from 5 to 8 max and boys from about 6 to 11 max. I tried to like ones my age. I have had one girlfriend my age when I was 16. But kissing her didnt make me feel good and was not sexually attracted to her in any way. I dumped her and everyone thought I was mad. Maybe I must be but thought dating anyone over ages I like makes me feel sick. But then I must be sick to fancy the ages I like. Even talking to those ages i find i relate better to them.
Sure you heard this all before and sure most of you must be strong inside. Just i not. I know never be able to date again, cant even get off on porn, can surround myself with ones who I like even as friends.
So everyone says I am so lucky. Inside I just am giving up. My username is LTWTL. It means "Lost the will to live" that how I feel. I looked for support but where find that. What the point of a life, that cant show love, have no enjoyment, that always be alone and scared that people if find out will see me as monster. So cant see point.
Anyway that is me and my introduction. Thanks L

[LTWTL17]

Thanks it not hard it like so overwhelming. Like if feel like this now what feel like in 2, 5, 10 or 30 years time. How do others live and enjoy life when cant share love with anyone. Dont that make life not worth it and total pointless.it be nice to be supported even a bit as there no way can talk to in my life about things, not even a doctor.

[LTWTL17]

Ok there a 4th option to. Just end it. I not want break the law and know not allowed even look at cp as that illegal. I dont think 2 work. That be unfair live with someone and pretend love them. 1 only other option other than 4. How find be happy if large part of you cant be expressed or talked about. It hard even find support. I so worried about even posting here. I did find place called lifeline so thought use that but no one on there and I know it only volunteers so not blame them. Just so hard.

[LTWTL17]

Yeah but then the pain be gone and the being lonely and least then not have to look at everyone and know even though they friends they not as friends know about each other. I got loads of so called friends, it not their fault I feel like this it mine just with all these people in my life should just be able to switch my sexuality off but xant so then feel as lonely as if lived in a log cabin on my own. Teaching I not be good at, I know.

[Phossu]

Hi L. Know that you are not alone. Like you, we are all forced into hiding our true feelings. It's not fair or reasonable in any way.

I too have felt "cursed" with my minor attraction. I used that exact word to describe it. It's not something we chose, but it's something that we are anyway. I no longer think of it like a "curse", but it took a lot of time and effort to reach that point.

It is hard to find support for minor attraction, but there are resources that may be able to help you. This forum has fellow MAPs with perspectives you may find valuable, and there are other MAP communities besides this one. You can post in the "Member Support" section if you want to vent or anything like that.

I care about you, as a fellow MAP and a human being. You deserve to live, and there is still happiness and fulfillment to be found. It's not going to be easy, and there is so much pain involved with being a MAP, but you aren't alone in your struggle and together we can find community and support.


Here are some more MAP resources:

B4U-ACT has resources for MAP mental health. This link will take you to a page specifically about feelings of loneliness and thoughts of suicide.
Among other things, they maintain a list of MAP friendly therapists and run a forum that is specifically focused on the mental wellbeing of MAPs. I am active on this forum and can recommend it.

https://www.mapresources.info/

[LTWTL17]

Ok thank you Phossu. It nice to here them words. I will look at the links you have sent.
L

[Red Rodent]

Firstly hi

Hi back. Welcome.

I'm looking at this from the perspective of a virtually exclusive boylover well into his 30s, but I remember having similar feelings of desperation in my late teens. All too clearly.

I had a girlfriend in my mid-teens whom I loved very much. Just not sexually. I tried (at her instigation, after we'd been in a touchy-feely relationship for months) and, predictably, it flopped. Literally. Not just embarrassing, that was the point that I realised I would never fulfil my desire (a) to be with her for the rest of my life and (b) to have kids of my own.

But we're not rabbits. There's more to life than that: much more. You can have intimacy without hanky-panky; you can have intense love and affection without wild sex. I'm in a long-term relationship with another guy and there's no fireworks between the sheets for me, but I would find it hard to live without the love we share.

And it sounds like there are people who love you too. You have a responsibility to them.

Just my two Euro-cents.

May I add virped.org to the resources for you to consider? With two caveats: it's meant to be 18+ only but I wouldn't grass you up if you told a little white lie. If you click on the "I am an adult pedophile" link then "What is the Virped foum" and follow the instructions.

The second caveat is that it's not to everyone's taste. But it's not the bunch of self-flagellating self-haters some make it out to be; I find it one of the most supportive communities online for childlovers. Suck it and see.

I hope you enjoy yourself here too.

[LTWTL17]

Ok I thank I will look there 2. Just feel so down but it nice others like me here 2. So like thank all you that post and definitely Fragment. I not respond b4 and say thank to him but he first one to reach out and I nearly killed myself as drank bottle vodka and was going jump out me bedroom window. I still down lot but try think better. Do anyone know of like counselling that can go 2. Just worry if talk about me they lock me up not that have ever done anything. Just asking if any MAP ones counselling that help.

[Red Rodent]

Ok I thank I will look there 2. Just feel so down but it nice others like me here 2. So like thank all you that post and definitely Fragment. I not respond b4 and say thank to him but he first one to reach out and I nearly killed myself as drank bottle vodka and was going jump out me bedroom window. I still down lot but try think better. Do anyone know of like counselling that can go 2. Just worry if talk about me they lock me up not that have ever done anything. Just asking if any MAP ones counselling that help.

No one's going to lock you up for liking younger people. But if you try to harm yourself, then it's a distinct possibility.

Follow the links you've been given for ideas about counselling. There are plenty there. And keep posting here if it helps.

We're right behind you, so feel free to fall back.

Vodka's not a good idea when you feel pissed, but I'm sure you know that already

Take care, L.

[PorcelainLark]

I highly recommend psychedelic therapy, if you have legal access to it where you live. Otherwise SSRIs have really helped me keep it together. Please bear in mind if you do get a prescription for SSRIs, it takes a month before they start working, but when they did start working the difference really has been night and day for me.