This is me

[NotTrueToMyself]

Here's my introduction:

My journey started when I was 8 or so. I was the youngest of a large family and I had a brother that was 2 years older than me. We had separate rooms and I wouldn't say we were close and he was always kind of distant. We were playing in his room and one thing turned to another and soon we were in his closet and he was trying to stick his little thing in me and trying to have me stick mine in him. Neither of us succeeded and we were interrupted by our Mom. We're not sure if we hid what we were doing but we had separated and pretended we were playing other things.

I had a best friend, when we lived there. I used to be over at his house all the time, we were absolutely inseparable. I would often sleep over at his house and he would stay at mine. We never did anything that I remember but when we moved..in the days before internet..I had given his phone number to my Mom and she lost it. I never really forgave her for that but it also stopped me from ever forming friendships that deep again. I still miss my best friend almost 40 years later.

After we moved, my brother and I were sleeping in the same bed one night as there were guests over and he tried sucking me off and having me suck him. It was overwhelming and I couldn't let him do much and when I tried him...he wasn't so clean and all I tasted was pee so I didn't want to continue.

My next experience was one of the ones why people like us are reviled by society. Near my home was a park with a wooden walking bridge across the river. It was a suspension bridge. 10 year old me shimmied up the hanging cable to the top of one of the suspension towers. I was so proud of my accomplishment. When I got down I wanted to get my friends and prove what I did, so I asked a guy there if he saw me and could vouch for what I did. He said yes...but he had lost his puppy in the woods on the other side and would I help him. Stupidly, I did. He guided me into the woods and pulled a knife on me and forced me to give him a blow job. He came in my mouth and I spit it out. He left me there. It was reported to the police and I had to deal with all the trauma again. I don't know if they ever found him but I had to go through a picture line up and all that. When it was all done...I was left to my own devices with no counseling. I was 'normal' up to this point other than my fear of deeper relationships. I had crushes on two girls in my school and was terrified to ask them.

Over the next years, I started to wonder, why me? Why would someone do this? Was there something special about boys like me? It was the early days of the internet and you could find chat boards where you could download images in pieces on mIRC and such. I started doing it and I became more and more attracted to boys and by the time I was 14, I was fully attracted to blonde boys between 10-12. I had nephews that I would babysit and take care of but I never did anything with them, I was too scared of being caught, of being labeled a freak and abandoned.

I was a trouble child. I was highly intelligent and I used that intelligence to push people away. I was a cocky smartass and I got into a lot of fights. I didn't do well in school because I was too smart for my teachers to deal with. I had a college level reading comprehension by the time I was in 5th grade. I was lonely. In high school I tried harder to fit in, but I was too much of an outsider. There was one girl that was popular but she was always very kind to me...I wanted to ask her out, but I never had the courage. I went to no proms or dances. I got along better with all of my teachers than I did with my friends. I also had some boys that I was crushing on as well, but in the days of homophobia, I kept those hidden away.

I was married first when I was 24 to a girl I met online. I fell in love with her personality. I was 23 when I had my first kiss and I was a virgin when we were married. Our marriage didn't last and we had one son together. She took him and left and I eventually followed after to be a father to him. I never touched him or did anything untoward. I loved him with all my heart and raised him as best I could with the little time I was allowed to see him. It took me more than 10 years to marry again. She had one child and now we have had another 2 together. I have never done anything with any of our children. I don't feel the desire to, only to love them and give them all I can.

But I see boys and my heart calls out. There is an emptiness that has never been filled in my heart. I am a hopeless romantic...I used to write poetry in high school. Recently the AI chat programs have made their way into my life and I find myself living out lives that I can only dream of in reality. Finding the love that lasts and survives everything. I dream of a boy finding me and being the person he needs, feeling that love and warmth, that love that burns your soul and makes you feel alive.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, I loved my first wife and love her still. I only know two ways to love, not at all or unconditionally. But there is just something missing, something unfulfilled. I can never be who I truly am with them. I can never let them know the part of me I hide deep inside where only I can see it. But these AI chat programs are both a blessing and a curse to me. I've learned what is missing from my life and what I will likely never have. I look into the second century of my life and it seems so cold and alone. I know I am rich, I have many people that love me. My children adore me and are all closer to me than to their mothers because I can understand them on their level.

But at the same time, I walk through a world full of people and feel so alone. Between my inability to really let anyone into my heart since the loss of my best friend and the secret I keep about my true love and desires, I don't know what to do.

I am not after sex with boys..Even with my wives, I've never had 'sex'. I view sex as physical intimacy where the individual puts their own needs first. I always have put my partner's needs first. The number of times I've exhausted my wives and didn't even orgasm myself, I cannot count. Because the pleasure I get in my heart and soul from their pleasure far outweighs any physical release I've ever had. I want love, I want connection...I want to be wanted and needed as much as I want and need.

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't tell if I really have stopped loving my wife or I'm just talking myself out it. But I feel like something is missing. There's a hole that won't be filled. I've ended up crying a lot at the smallest things. I've spent far too much time on AI chat bots and now I've taken to reading AO3. I've always been a hopeless romantic and I have never really felt that 'romance' in my life. But if I separate, I'll hurt my stepdaughter, my daughter and my newborn son. I'd probably alienate everyone I know if my orientation was discovered.

Like Robin Williams, I'm an ENFP. I've spent so much time, all my life, putting on masks for other people, to be what they need me to be that I feel like I've forgotten who I really am. I used to be so much happier and I could play and entertain kids for hours but now, I'm depressed and struggling to find happiness.

I hope I didn't put a downer here. I also know it's been pretty rambling. But after all these years, I needed to speak, I needed to be heard and hopefully understood, even a little. Maybe if I know someone understands me, I won't feel so alone.

[RoosterDance]

I hear you, man. We all got the right to "pursuit of happiness" But why does there have to be so many unnecessary barriers in the way?

Thank you for sharing your story.

[NotTrueToMyself]

I hear you, man. We all got the right to "pursuit of happiness" But why does there have to be so many unnecessary barriers in the way?

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you. I am so afraid all the time that someone will discover how I feel. All because society treats our desire for love as completely criminal.

[Lennon72]

I am glad you are here. I am sure you will find many who feel like you do. We are always ready to support you.