Denial

[Black Mirror]

I have experienced a prolonged denial of myself, and it has broken me severely beyond recognition. I don't know who I am because I've spent too much time trying to be pleasant to those who never truly cared about me beyond a thing to be seen and not heard. Now, I am afraid of becoming something I despise. This thing in me wants out so that it may repay the kindness it received. "Nothing but hate," it says, "Nothing but pain," it says, "I will make you see and feel me," it demands. I just want it to stop and go to sleep forever. I want to dream of something else beyond this hell. I want to drive a knife through my heart again and again because it is hurting me so badly. I want to know what it's like to feel something other than this, but I don't think I have the capacity anymore as all focus is directed towards not giving in to this vile hatred for this cursed life and all who've enabled it. I am failing; I am continuously making the same mistakes; the door I go through produces the same scene, the same faces, the same problems, the same feelings; it is my persistent delusion that I am okay, that this is the path to the goals I seek, and all the while this thing cackles within. It wants me to break myself so that it may take control once I am gone completely. I am fearful of what tomorrow brings, but today is calm enough to be okay. I know I will die soon; I know it will cease; I know, despite everything, everything will be okay because one day tomorrow will come without me.