My maternal grandfather had a comparable role in my life. He never did anything to me... but prior to my birth, he was a serial rapist of girls in the family, including my mother. Given that my father contributed fairly little to my life, and ended up abandoning us, my grandpa's role in my life was a critically important one. When I learned about his past in my late teens, it certainly made me question the narrative about "abusers", albeit in a very different way than your experience, of course, since his actions were unquestionably immoral. I'm grateful to my mother and other victims that they didn't involve the authorities, although they very much could have.Outis wrote: Mon Mar 24, 2025 9:50 am Bullying, fights with my siblings, struggling sometimes with school, having a man in my life who listened, gave good advice, cared and who I could have moments of joy with without worrying about that other stuff, I shudder to imagine growing up without him in my life.
He's lucky to have had you around. When my mother learned that I had paedophilic desires (I was only 13), there was nobody to speak to me. Only my mother's terror and nowhere to go. I wish I'd have had Mu back then, although I was still in denial at the time. Those were difficult days.Outis wrote: Mon Mar 24, 2025 9:50 am I reassured him that it was fine and that they are the way they are because they love him and worry for him but actually he's a good guy and I'm always available to talk if he needs someone to talk to. I encouraged the family to accept him as he is and it took many years but they are now very supportive of him and have come to terms with it.
Ugh. I can't approve of what you told her. I am strongly opposed to the idea that anyone "shouldn't" look at porn, unless it causes the person him/herself actual distress. I had to endure so many speeches from my mother, uncle, and other family members about my supposed "porn addiction" (which wasn't one). Pornography was very helpful in those years, and finding myself without it at the family cottage led to the only time in my life I had sexually predatory thoughts. That certainly did cause distress. Looking at porn never did. Some lolicon works are still among my all-time favourite works of art to this day, and I still follow some of the same artists I loved as a teenager.Outis wrote: Mon Mar 24, 2025 9:50 am A similar thing happened with a daughter of theirs who got into trouble watching porn which freaked everyone out and yet again I was asked to speak to her because they had no idea how to talk about anything so sensitive. I talked to her about why she shouldn't do that, that's it's normal to be curious and porn can be pleasurable and addictive but it makes her family worry and it's distracting when she should focus on studies and friendships etc. Again if she needed to talk then she knows where I am.
I am of the rather radical opinion that "pornography", even (and sometimes especially) the most "obscene", is art, that it's an important part of human expression, and that there is no meaningful distinction between "erotica" and "pornography". I'd compare my relationship to erotica/pornography to that I have with music: it certainly is habit-forming, I have a huge collection, I sometimes spend too long obsessing over it, I'm sad and depressed when I don't have it in my life, but that's not due to "addiction" and rather because it fills an existential void in my soul. I'm very glad I have it, and my teenage years were the time I was happiest to have it.
Being a MAP has also certainly made me less judgmental, more compassionate, and more prone to questioning all dominant narratives.Outis wrote: Mon Mar 24, 2025 9:50 am I would say the biggest impact on my life from being a map is just I'm more empathetic to others and much slower to judge. Also knowing my own experiences has made it not something to fear or see as a traumatic thing. It didn't make me go out and molest anyone. Did it make me a map? I don't know but I don't think it did.
As for what "made me" a MAP... I learned in my late teens that the majority of men in my extended family are girl-child rapists, so it's likely that there's a prominent genetic component to my sexuality. I have all the corresponding paraphilias: girl-love, biastophilia, and mild sadism. It was probably even harder for me to come to terms with my attraction than a lot of MAPs because I do have those added rapey desires that completely contradict my broader personality and sometimes feel like demonic possession. My first reaction was to enforce on myself a strict moral code and develop an intense inner will to act morally. I took ethics courses in university and wrote articles on the topic. I didn't want to end up doing what those men did, no matter what. I'd choose suicide over that, and it's something I did contemplate repeatedly.
I wish I could say I'm comfortable enough with my identity as a MAP that I wouldn't change it if I could, but that's not the case. I hope I'll reach such a point eventually.