The Five Ghosts of Almost

[Fragment]

You showed me what love felt like.
You taught me who I really was —
and gave it a name.
You were the beginning,
the first step on a path
I never meant to walk,
for better or worse.
I lost you to the winds of circumstance,
and lacked the resolve
to try and find you.
You were my first almost.

⸻

You knew me better than I knew myself.
You were steady, familiar —
the quiet answer to a question
I thought too boring to ask.
I believed we might build something
simple, lasting.
But I kept chasing more,
and by the time I understood
I didn’t need it,
you’d realised you could have it.
You were my safest almost.

⸻

You made me laugh
when I’d forgotten how.
Your energy, your warmth —
so bright, so full of life.
We built something light,
effortless, yet real.
You could bear the quiet moments,
but when all eyes turned to me,
your sensitive soul had to flee.
You were my brightest almost.

⸻

You loved me quietly, completely —
for who I was,
not what I was.
With you, I could simply exist.
No shame. No defence.
Every action of mine
felt heroic in your eyes.
But I got greedy,
wanting more than you could give,
and in reaching too far,
I pushed you away.
You were my gentlest almost.

⸻

You were everything I thought I needed —
young, bright,
hungry for what I had to offer.
Each moment felt full of joy,
mutual respect,
and understanding.
It was love.
It truly was love,
but sometimes love gets lost in translation.
And in a blaze of reckless, manic confusion,
we were no more.
All that followed
was pain,
silence,
and ruin.
You were my last almost.

[BLueRibbon]

[WavesInEternity]

Those are really lovely and touching, full of a heart-wrenching longing I'm sure most MAPs can understand. I haven't had anywhere as many "almost" experiences (only one, in fact), but I probably would've had many more if I hadn't been so adamantly anti-c until just a few months ago.

[Fragment]

I would like to clarify
#1 was when I was a minor myself (he was about 2-3 years younger than me)
#2 was a relationship with a young looking guy that lasted from his late teens into his 20s (I even proposed)
#3 was over the local age of consent (though looked 4 years under it)
#4 stayed platonic, but he'd sleep over at my house, play video games and eat pizza
#5 is what's landed me in my current situation

Each one of them was almost what I had dreamed of. That perfect relationship.

It's only partially a MAP thing. Never quite finding the one is an experience even many teleios can relate to, I think.

[WavesInEternity]

I would like to clarify
#1 was when I was a minor myself (he was about 2-3 years younger than me)
#2 was a relationship with a young looking guy that lasted from his late teens into his 20s (I even proposed)
#3 was over the local age of consent (though looked 4 years under it)
#4 stayed platonic, but he'd sleep over at my house, play video games and eat pizza
#5 is what's landed me in my current situation

Each one of them was almost what I had dreamed of. That perfect relationship.

It's only partially a MAP thing. Never quite finding the one is an experience even many teleios can relate to, I think.

That's a very useful clarification, as I had interpreted what you wrote through the lens of specifically forbidden relationships. The more uniquely MAP phenomenon of finding oneself in close relationships that are bound to always stay just shy of the intimacy level desired... sometimes almost there, but never quite. Closer to the experience of unrequited love or (at best) friendzoning from a teleiophilic point of view, but where this is socially and legally enforced without any way out, ever.

I've stopped believing there could be such a thing as a "perfect" relationship long ago. Humans are fundamentally flawed beings and love is hard in practice.