MAP Forum

Batmanthecute wrote: Tue Nov 05, 2024 9:47 pm I’m attracted to females from 12 to adulthood. I was about 21 years old when I started coming to terms with it even though it was clearer than a window. I was looking into non-illegal content for the years prior but I was too afraid to face the music. I became an alcoholic to hide from it. I was going through four to six 40-ounce bottles of vodka a week, an ounce of weed a week, and I was consuming a Godless amount of LSD, ketamine, and other psychedelics every other weekend. Once I sobered up, the truth came face to face faster than I wanted to see it. Around this time an old friend doxxed me. I wasn't looking at any illegal material, talking to any minors, nor did assault anyone. They just found out the kind of pictures I was looking at and turned on me. my friend kind of had to. He knew for years but once too many people were suspicious he had to join the party. I can't blame him. They hacked my phone and found out. My whole family cut me out, and the entire town I lived in since I was younger found out. It wasn't good. I had a large-sized McDonalds cup thrown at me in a Walmart parking lot. I worked as a custodian so people came to my job and trashed it multiple times until I was eventually fired because of the amount of people who were calling my boss. When I got another job at a store someone came to steal my phone. I had to go to the police department and track them down. My boss was harassed so badly that he had to fire me to save his business because nobody was willing to come to the store. My apartment was broken into multiple times. Everyone who pretended to be my friend kept asking me for my phone number so they could hack my phone. Every time I made a friend it felt like they found out the next week. It got severely bad to the point that I was suicidal every day. The worst part is that the guy who exposed me was a serial rapist. He had a reputation for raping girls around town when he was in high school. The kind of jock that would hand girls funny drinks so he threw me under the bus to make himself look good. A lot of people saw through him but not enough. I guess what bothers me is that he has destroyed lives. I was trying to figure myself out. When a girl came forward about what he did to her he turned everyone against this poor girl. This guy was messing with a thirteen-year-old old when he was twenty-one. The thing about it was that he seemed remorseful about his past and I felt like I couldn't judge because of the kind of person I am. Plus, I hate to admit it but I looked the other way because I liked hanging out with him too much even though a bunch of people told me to stop messing with him. I don't know if I'm just deflecting looking at my mistakes through this mindset but for some reason, I just daydream exposing him to the world every day. I eventually started going to a Mormon church because I was desperate so one day I prayed. My prayers were answered and so I started going to the first church I found. (I knew nothing about the Mormons before attending, I thought it was like any other branch of Christianity.) I started attending because I thought God could cure me. What a load of bull shit. Anyway, it felt so great at first. The people were so kind and inviting. I sobered up and gained some structure in my life, everything was perfect. I felt a sense of community that I truly needed at the time. Eventually, I said the wrong thing to the wrong person so they did some digging and found out. Suddenly I was at square one again. I tried so hard to prove that I was a good person that could never touch a kid but they didn't care. I wasn't kicked out but I could feel the tension in the room. I eventually stopped going because I was afraid of the looks they'd give me. I started going to other churches but they didn't work out. I even found a youth group where we would meet up for Bible study weekly but the problem was paranoia. I couldn't help this anxiety that if anyone found out the kind of person I am they'd want to kill me. This paranoia haunted me. I remember visiting my mother in her home state and she had my grandpa pick me up to meet my dad for the first time. We had drinks and stuff but the paranoia started settling in. I started weeping on the bathroom floor terrified that they poisoned my drink. These people didn't know me. There was no way in the universe they could have known my situation but yeah. When I got back things just kept getting worse over the year. My girlfriend of seven years was starting to face the impact of my situation as well. She's very sensitive and suicidal so I know she could not handle being a part of my situation. Plus that was her hometown. Her whole family was there. I spent every day terrified that she would eventually be persecuted as much as I was. She was the love of my life, my wifey but I had to let her go. I moved and even though I'm in a place where nobody could possibly know from time to time the paranoia crosses my mind. That's why I joined this community. To get the sense of community that I got from the church. I left behind Christianity and got into the occult. I have a PS5, I'm a writer, and a film buff. I smoke weed from time to time and right now in life, I'm trying to figure myself out. I listen to podcasts like Maps IRL, Map The World, and Pedologues because I want to explore the world of who I am rather than being afraid of it. For the most part I’m pro contract now but I listen no-map podcasts to open my mind. Hit me up. Anybody else ever been doxxed?

Batmanthecute wrote: Mon Nov 11, 2024 5:26 am

PorcelainLark wrote: Tue Nov 05, 2024 10:37 pm I had a rumor following me around at the end of high school but I was never doxxed. Was suicidal and agoraphobic for years and used to drink heavily/smoke (tobacco) heavily to calm myself down.

Stopping drinking made me less anxious, because I was always paranoid I'd give something away when I was drunk. The amount of times I woke up from a black out, fearing my life might be completely over are too many to count.

I'm still pretty directionless and unsatisfied by life. Gone back to drinking recently. Not as much as before I stopped though.

In the end, I kept trying to emotionally prepare for being torn apart by a mob, and eventually it made me feel like there was nothing left keeping me alive. That freaked me out a lot. Took me over a year to begin to stabilize after that.

I'm still pretty emotionally volatile.

I used to spend every day waiting for the mob to come to my front door as well. Every time I would hear police sirens, I would freak out and probably sit on my floor crying. It’s so nice to hear from someone who understands my pain and thank you for what you said because it was very relatable I am so sorry you had to go through that I’m happy to hear that you sobered up

SCM123ABC wrote: Mon Sep 15, 2025 3:26 am

Batmanthecute wrote: Mon Nov 11, 2024 5:26 am

PorcelainLark wrote: Tue Nov 05, 2024 10:37 pm I had a rumor following me around at the end of high school but I was never doxxed. Was suicidal and agoraphobic for years and used to drink heavily/smoke (tobacco) heavily to calm myself down.

Stopping drinking made me less anxious, because I was always paranoid I'd give something away when I was drunk. The amount of times I woke up from a black out, fearing my life might be completely over are too many to count.

I'm still pretty directionless and unsatisfied by life. Gone back to drinking recently. Not as much as before I stopped though.

In the end, I kept trying to emotionally prepare for being torn apart by a mob, and eventually it made me feel like there was nothing left keeping me alive. That freaked me out a lot. Took me over a year to begin to stabilize after that.

I'm still pretty emotionally volatile.

I used to spend every day waiting for the mob to come to my front door as well. Every time I would hear police sirens, I would freak out and probably sit on my floor crying. It’s so nice to hear from someone who understands my pain and thank you for what you said because it was very relatable I am so sorry you had to go through that I’m happy to hear that you sobered up

I'm really sorry man just remember these people are spoiled and privileged you've been through worst then them and most of them have no morals and just going with the majority.


EDIT: also think of it like this you know like 12-18 really isn't that bad that puts you in hebephile/ephephille which ephephille at least is normal hebephle not as much but better then someone like me who finds 4-6 year old girls the most attractive it makes me a nepiophile/a literal pedophile ie actual definition you know you really aren't as messed up as you think if I can find solace in the fact that I'm that messed up especially after so much bullying you can do espeically because it isn't as severe.

SCM123ABC wrote: Mon Sep 15, 2025 3:26 am EDIT: also think of it like this you know like 12-18 really isn't that bad that puts you in hebephile/ephephille which ephephille at least is normal hebephle not as much but better then someone like me who finds 4-6 year old girls the most attractive it makes me a nepiophile/a literal pedophile ie actual definition you know you really aren't as messed up as you think if I can find solace in the fact that I'm that messed up especially after so much bullying you can do espeically because it isn't as severe.