I was always obsessed with kids my own age and younger for as far as I can remember. Even as young as a 7 year old I would search up videos of kids peeing or on the beach or playground on youtube because I found it “interesting”. I was “fascinated” with babies and would always try to pretend to be a baby during games and play with toys like they were babies, I even got in trouble when my parents would catch me putting toliet paper in my underwear and peeing so I could pretend to be a baby. Once again, I was like 7-8. When I was 9 I started puberty and it became overtly sexual. I didnt know what masturbation was or anything sexual in nature but I new I felt “tingly” when I would search up videos of boys a good deal younger than me, especially potty training videos.(This was before the mass censorship of youtube so you could search up phrases like “boys peeing” and have a gold mine of playlists).
Then when I was about 10 and got sex ed and learned more about sexual attractions and masturbation and romance and such and I realized what a weirdo I was compared to the rest of my class. Unlike the other 5th graders, I was more attracted to toddlers and younger kids than any of the other kids my age.(I was attracted to them, just SIGNIFICANTLY less, past the age of 9 I rarely had crushes on other kids my age, and by the time I was 13/14 I pretty much stopped having crushes on my classmates, at least anything stronger than a “they look pretty good I guess” and had to force myself to be romantically interested in kids my own age, which was strange to me because I was very romantical in elementary school and often had crushes on my classmates from the ages of 5-9. The strongest crush ive ever felt was when I was 7 on another 7-8 year old boy, I was in love with him and my knees would go weak when I would even see him or play with him. I remember once we were doing a dance class and I got paired up with him, I almost fainted, I actually blacked out during the dancing because I was so excited. Since that one time when I was 7 I have NEVER felt romantic love that strong, everything else has either been pale in comparison or forced to look normal).When I was 11 it became extremely shameful and was one of the contributing factors that sent me into a depression, yes, depression, at 11. I had just discovered masturbation a year earlier and would do it 3 times a day on average (sometimes more, I was a super mega gooner when puberty first started), but the pedo guilt had caught up to me, so I would masturbate to LEGAL images of extremely young kids ages 0-6, then cry and tell myself I had to change, then do the exact same thing once I got horny again. It was a very confusing and stressful time, especially since my entire life I had been told that pedos where gross creepy middle aged men who abused others, but here I was, an 11 year old child who was frequently bullied and abused himself, with a crippling addiction to far younger kids. The shame, not only from my masturbation habits, but from life in general (bullying, past trauma, exclusion, parental abuse/neglect, developing severe social anxiety) easily made my preteens, specifically at age 10-11 the worst years of my entire life. When I was 12 I became even more concerned about my attractions and was worried I would become “one of those guys” on tv when I was older or get in legal trouble (despite these being clear web images, just before the great pedo mass censorship had started for google and youtube), my parents would also check my phone often, so I was worried that if I slipped up and didn't delete my history they would find out, so I forced myself to quit searching up photos and videos to jerk it to cold turkey. This was very difficult and stressful, but due to my slight non exclusivity, technically possible without giving up masturbation all together.(side note, 12 was when I discovered boku no pico, and I fucking LOVED that shit). Yeah it was definitely a confusing time, because most 9-12 year olds are sneaking into pornhub to masturbate to pictures and videos of grown adult women, but at 9-12 I was searching up videos of babys and toddlers and young elementary schoolers peeing on youtube to masturbate to, definently didn't make it easier to relate to other kids my age thats for sure.
Bonus:When I was 13 at a summer camp, a friendly 5 year old girl gave me a flower as a gift, I felt butterflies in my chest, stronger than I had when any girls at school flirted with me.
Bonus Bonus:One of the very first times I can remember feeling sexual attraction was at age 5, I was reading that “junie b jobes rides the stupid bus” book and remember feeling “funny” at the scenes where the boy and junie desperately needed to pee and rereading them over and over. It was my favorite part of the book. Little did I know it was my budding piss kink.
Bonus Bonus Bonus:I remember when I was 7 asking a friend of mine extremely embarrasing questions about her bathroom habits and stories from when she was being potty trained because I found it extremely “interesting” and “funny”. I think I spent a good 30 minutes just asking her about bathroom stories.
No I was never “molested” or SA’d in any sense of the word. Most adults found me annoying and trouble making and stayed clear of me, and the few exceptions kept it strictly platonic. I was never “cocsa’d either because I could barely make friends my own age, let alone get close enough to them to do anything sexual, on the rare occasions it got romantic, hugging and cheek kissing was as far as it went, unless hugging and cheek kissing is a form of child on child sexual abuse nowadays, hell maybe it is, the definition of child sexual abuse has gotten so broad that now even ai and anime counts as child sexual abuse, so I guess I WAS molested from all that hugging. I didnt even know that porn existed until around 11, and I didnt know what masturbation or sexual arousal was before 10, and I was attracted to younger kids before hand so we cant blame it on “porn” or “sexualization” or “grooming”. I was abused yes, but in every single way BUT sexual, ig I wasn't hot enough
. I didn't know what pedophillia was until around 10. I did have early internet access, but I stayed in my lane, only searching up videos of other kids my age or younger or playing video games, and I never made an adult friend online. The only “adult” videos I saw were the occasional innocently disguised gore video, anytime I came across something that might have been even vaguely sexual in nature it was always of adults, which never intrigued me and in fact disgusted me and I would instantly click of the video and watch something else. So antis cant blame it on being “groomed” by sexual videos online because the minute I would see a boob I would scowl in disgust and click away, basically parentally safe guarding myself, and I was so ignorant on adult sexuality that I didnt even know how sex worked until sex ed when I was 9/10, which is when I started puberty anyways. I was actually frequently bullied by other kids my age until around 17 for not getting sexual innuendos and jokes and not having the same sexual and romantic expiernces as them. Hell, compared to other kids, I was actually developmentally behind on real world sexual expiernces, I didnt get my first kiss till 20. And before any anti even starts, the sex ed was the basic “this is a penis it fertilizes the females egg”, it wasnt anything “iNnApRoRiAtE”, and I got the same “pedos are evil only say no to sex because if you say yes your brain will explode” garbage speech as the other kids as well. So any anti who tries to use the vampire theory to say im a map because I was “groomed” or “SAd by pedos” or “cocsaed” is just lying. The “cycle of pedophillia” is a fat fucking myth and im living proof of it. Ive always been a map, and im a map because I am, not because I was “groomed” or “molested” into it.
Just wanted to add my story because alot of maps discover their mapiness in their late teens, but if you are a prefential nepiophile you will discover it far earlier. Pedos and nepis probably discover it in late prepubescense and early adolescence and hebes and ephebes probably cant tell till late adolescense and young adulthood.
