My jail diary

[Fragment]

I thought I might start typing out the thoughts that I wrote down while I was in jail. It's a lot of rambling. Mostly negative. I'll need to adjust some things for privacy reasons. I don't know if it'll be cathartic or just re-open wounds, so I might stop part way if it doesn't seem to be helping. I want to give it a try, though.

Brutally honest authenticity- that's all I've got left. I'm not trying to impress anyone, but if normal people see how human we are and can develop some modicum of empathy for our experience. Perhaps by verbalizing my experiences I can help others give words to theirs.

[Fragment]

Day 7 (am) [For the first 6 days I didn't have a notebook or any way of writing down my thoughts]

Six days ago, I was arrested on suspicion of "non-consensual indecency" with K. There's so much I'd like to say about the incident and my thoughts and feelings leading up to it, but it's all still a little too raw, so I'll leave that to the side for now.

I'm currently incarcerated in the jail located within the local police station. It's hellish, but perhaps not as bad as I imagined. I guess the six weeks of being suspended on "home detention" from work helped prepare me mentally. So does the Valium I'm taking twice daily. In jail, there is no forced labor, so in some ways it feels like really shitty hotel. The guards bring my food (though at set times I can't choose), they bring me water if I ask, or snacks I order from the commissary (though choices are few). Before my arrest I was constantly on edge and while my emotions aren't 100% stable, I think that the routine and certainty I have now help keep me calm. That, or it's the Valium. The guards are polite, and most are kind, but obvious individual differences are apparent. As a captive, I feel like a lower existence than a dog or zoo animal, but my "masters" don't treat me poorly. The Japanese criminal system gets a bad rap, and although I have no basis for comparison, on the whole jail itself "exceeds expectations".

The detective in charge of my case is friendly enough. Of course, due to his job, he's my enemy and is out to hurt me and my family, but even though all cops are bastards, we get on well enough. I try to play the game as best as I can, too. Calling out injustices or problems in the system. Trying to read his intent when he asks certain questions so I have answer as best benefits my family and K, they're all I care about. But he's a trained expert, s despite my smarts and public speaking experience, the scales of justice are weighted against me.

The culture of shame still runs deep through the veins of this country. Of course, "seppuku" is no longer a part of it, but the way police, prosecutors and even defense lawyers push for confessions and admissions of remorse shows that "taking accountability for shameful actions" is still core the DNA of Japanese people. The that that not only me, but also my wife, have written apology letters to K's family is still somewhat hard for my Western brain to understand.

My Western trained brain resists every admission of guilt, wishing for a lawyer. But lawyers are castrated in many senses. They can't be present for interrogations, nor even for the initial hearing regarding your period of detention (which is always extended to the maximum of 23 days). I do what I can to try and find ammo to give to my lawyer, but I realize there is only so much he can do. I am relying on the grace of my various overlords, for it is by their grace alone that my objectives will be met. My objectives only tangentially concern my own well-being. Of course, only an extreme masochist would willing submit to this kind of life. Of course, I'd rather have freedom. But I actually, honestly feel that part of m could contentedly live out my days here if my objectives were met.

Instead of myself, my objectives concern the well-being of primarily two people, K and my daughter. I'll write more on K later. As for my daughter, it's too painful to think about in detail, but every day I'm away from her in this situation is a day I'm robbing her of a father. It is a day where my history as a kid from a single parent family is being repeated. I hope that her fatherless days remain as few as possible. That obviously entails my freedom, though for her sake, not mine.

Criminal justice is a blunt instrument and it can be hard to see who it is actually serving. But the robotic, Japanese cogs in the system can only move as permitted within it, so despite the politeness and sometimes kindness, I don't have much hope for much grace beyond the scope of the rules and facts as precisely written. Nor do I expect that things would dramatically differ for the better in most other systems. Maybe Norway? But here I am dealt the hand I've been given, the hand I am living. I feel neither much hope or despair. Just a desire to live, and think, and share those thoughts.

[Fragment]

Day 7 (pm)

Small aside- we suspects are allowed certain items brought in from the outside. The rules surrounding them are generally for safety (no clothes with drawstrings. No long socks or other potential suicide risks). Annoying rules, but reasonable.

It is interesting seeing Japanese robots struggle with the expected, though. My wonderful wife dropped off two care packages today- the first mostly clothing and this notebook- all very welcome and as expected. Things she thought I might need. But me being me, I've found myself longing for mental, rather than physical comforts. I requested extra notebooks, novels and some Japanese textbooks. The guards gave them to me without issue (even the English novels, which was a pleasant surprise).

However, I noticed that the answer booklet in the back of the textbooks were stapled together. Staples are prohibited, so I thought it best to alert the guards rather than have them find out. Well, it took a lot of serious discussion on their part, but they were able to replace the staples with paper bindings after taking the booklets out of the textbooks. To my surprise they even allowed the textbook and answer book to count as a single "book" against my allocation of three! Japanese people, especially LEOs, slavishly follow rules to the letter, so I was pleasantly surprised to encounter even this small leeway.

[Black Mirror]

Thank you for sharing these experiences. I hope for your family's perseverance through this ordeal.