i post photos of myself while letting peopleknow im a minor and i like it

[b.eetl.e]

aam 13 y/o

i go on those really fucked up servers with racist homophobic transphobic neonazi members (i am none of those things) and in the gooning channels i send pictures of myself and i like being called really racist and homophobic horrible things because im brown and pan and i purposefully provoke the nazis to make them say even more nasty shit to me and i imagine them doing violent things to me and i know its fucking wrong and i want to stop doing it but it feels so good showing my pics to random strangers as a minor

q's

so do u think its wrong ?
--> why is it wrong or not wrong ??
should i stop ?
--> no: why
--> yes: how do i stop ????????????????

[Moved to member support]

[Fragment]

I had to edit your post a little bit. It was a bit too explicit.

This is a very sensitive topic, so we need to use language very carefully.

If you are sending inappropriate pictures of yourself, please stop.

Those pictures are illegal so they could get you and others in trouble.

It's unfair that teens aren't given proper sexual outlets and have to make do. But we all have to try and live within the laws.

Probably the best way to stop is imagining the police coming to your house and telling your parents what you're doing. That's a very real possibility.


I also have to wonder if your masochist tendencies are coming from a lack of self-esteem. Do you feel good about yourself as a person, usually?

[b.eetl.e]

Probably the best way to stop is imagining the police coming to your house and telling your parents what you're doing. That's a very real possibility.


I also have to wonder if your masochist tendencies are coming from a lack of self-esteem. Do you feel good about yourself as a person, usually?

uhh i dont live in the us and i also live in a shit 3rd world muslim country (i go to an international school and am pretty privileged, super gr8ful for that, gonna move out the country for uni thank god) where no one gaf about sexual assault or anything of the sort even though there are a million cases a day which is fucked so in a country where police dont care about shit its kind of hard to imagine the police coming to. your house,,,,,,,

and fyi if i tell my parents i get shot and killed which i kind of dont want because i wanna die by my own volition or like, in some sort of crazy masochistic sexual fantasy with someone else so i can die happy

as for how i feel about myself as a person, i know im smart and capable of a lot of things but i dont think i have any value as a person and i think im a shit person for doing all this and i think id be better off dead because the desires i have are immoral to me

the worst part is that:

i can separate my anxieties, sexual desires and things of that matter from reality, like if i ever actually realise im being hurt or manipulated by someone, i cut that person off because i want the best for myself even if my underlying sexual desires involve having those actions done to me
i stop myself from self harm as a form of sexual relief because i know its bad for me
im a reflective person and i always try to think about and challenge my own beliefs
i try to be loving and caring towards everyone i think is worthy of my love

which means im still in control of my mind and im not in some fucking manic episode thats making me do all this -- my desires are some inherent part of me that i cant get rid of which makes it so much worse

my dad loves me so much and i dont know what id do if he knew about all this

i constantly think of overdosing by taking every single pill or tablet i find in my house because i dont think that someone like me should exist

[Fragment]

You're fine, and I think that once you're an adult you'll be able to make a lot more choices for yourself and things will get better.

You might just need to keep on enduring for a little longer now, though.

[PorcelainLark]

as for how i feel about myself as a person, i know im smart and capable of a lot of things but i dont think i have any value as a person and i think im a shit person for doing all this and i think id be better off dead because the desires i have are immoral to me

What makes it immoral? Sure, it's risky behavior that you should probably stop, but that doesn't mean you should die.

the worst part is that:

i can separate my anxieties, sexual desires and things of that matter from reality, like if i ever actually realise im being hurt or manipulated by someone, i cut that person off because i want the best for myself even if my underlying sexual desires involve having those actions done to me
i stop myself from self harm as a form of sexual relief because i know its bad for me
im a reflective person and i always try to think about and challenge my own beliefs
i try to be loving and caring towards everyone i think is worthy of my love

Sounds like you have shame you need help to get better at coping with.

which means im still in control of my mind and im not in some fucking manic episode thats making me do all this -- my desires are some inherent part of me that i cant get rid of which makes it so much worse

Not necessarily, have you been tested for anxiety? I used to feel a lot of self-loathing over having masochistic desires, going on medication for anxiety helped me obsess less about it.

my dad loves me so much and i dont know what id do if he knew about all this

How old is your father? Older generations don't tend to view age gap relationships as severely.

i constantly think of overdosing by taking every single pill or tablet i find in my house because i dont think that someone like me should exist

You need to have empathy for yourself. Imagine you were twenty and a thirteen year old said the same thing to you, it wouldn't be very nice to agree with them that they shouldn't exist.

[b.eetl.e]

What makes it immoral? Sure, it's risky behavior that you should probably stop, but that doesn't mean you should die.

people go thru actual genuine abuse every other day, and i dont wanna romanticise abuse

Sounds like you have shame you need help to get better at coping with.

im so shameful that i cant even tell my therapist about it and get some sort of help w coping w it all

Not necessarily, have you been tested for anxiety? I used to feel a lot of self-loathing over having masochistic desires, going on medication for anxiety helped me obsess less about it.

im on antidepressants

How old is your father? Older generations don't tend to view age gap relationships as severely.

first of all, its not really about age gaps for me, even though i like them, what i really want is someone domineering over me and using me, second of all, its not jsut the masochism or aam part which my dad would find wrong, its more of like sexual desire even in its most basic form, i live in a shit third world muslim country and sexual desire and sex is super taboo even tho i personally dgaf and talk about it openly, teachers skip through sex ed in public schools (what the fuck, im so glad i go to a private cambridge school) and neither of my parents had sex ed and my mom literally studied biology ??????????

You need to have empathy for yourself. Imagine you were twenty and a thirteen year old said the same thing to you, it wouldn't be very nice to agree with them that they shouldn't exist.

the thing is, i dont care what other people do or say aslong as theyre not harming anybody else, and i feel guilt because at least in my view im harming people by minimising their experiences by jerkif off to thay shit

[PorcelainLark]

people go thru actual genuine abuse every other day, and i dont wanna romanticise abuse

What you're attracted to isn't a choice, so it's morally neutral.

im so shameful that i cant even tell my therapist about it and get some sort of help w coping w it all

Have you tried finding another therapist online? Maybe if you talked to a therapist anonymously it would help.

im on antidepressants

How long have you been on them?

first of all, its not really about age gaps for me, even though i like them, what i really want is someone domineering over me and using me

That's not that unusual.

its not jsut the masochism or aam part which my dad would find wrong, its more of like sexual desire even in its most basic form, i live in a shit third world muslim country and sexual desire and sex is super taboo even tho i personally dgaf and talk about it openly, teachers skip through sex ed in public schools (what the fuck, im so glad i go to a private cambridge school) and neither of my parents had sex ed and my mom literally studied biology ??????????

Maybe you should work towards moving to a more liberal country when you're older, but I expect you've already thought about that.

the thing is, i dont care what other people do or say aslong as theyre not harming anybody else, and i feel guilt because at least in my view im harming people by minimising their experiences by jerkif off to thay shit

Do you say to people that they should be OK with what happened to them? If not, I don't see how it's minimizing their experiences. Some people are allergic to peanuts, that doesn't mean others have to avoid them, just have to be mindful of it.

[b.eetl.e]

Have you tried finding another therapist online? Maybe if you talked to a therapist anonymously it would help.

usually online therapists are actual shit so i dont bother

How long have you been on them?

just about 6 months

Maybe you should work towards moving to a more liberal country when you're older, but I expect you've already thought about that.

yeah aslong as my familys in the same or better financial status and i get a scholarship im moving to a better country for uni

thank you for the advice ! <3

[PorcelainLark]

usually online therapists are actual shit so i dont bother

Unfortunately true, still it helps to be able to vent to people you don't know sometimes.

just about 6 months

Maybe they haven't got the dosage right yet.

yeah aslong as my familys in the same or better financial status and i get a scholarship im moving to a better country for uni

Well, that's something to look forward to at least.

thank you for the advice ! <3

No trouble, stay safe.