All I Wanted Is To Be Part of Something
Posted: Fri May 08, 2026 7:15 pm
Man, oh man, I'm so fucking sick of being lost in the air right before me! Worst part is that the constellation was trying to freeze the lake before I could dip my toes back into this world. I don't know if it's the guy the upstairs looking down on me as the light behind him blinded facial features or a demonic attachment's arms wrapped around my throat while legs choked my waist but the ten-thousand coincidences are street lights that are no where coincidences. That's clearly something in the air poisoning my tomorrows. Head, shoulder, knees, and toes being pinned down so that I may be, no for sure gang raped by reality. Worst part is that I'm one of the rapists because I am the very one whom fucked up, down, left, right, and center of my own throat by my own cock as I sobbingly pull my own hair so that I can watch my own self suffer. I didn't even view illegal content, attempt to meet up with a minor so that I could kiss her neck till we are fooling around under the sheet nor say the wrong thing that would set off the smoke alarm in the eyes of the wrong person. I simply just went on Newgon to look for a meme and now my boss knows as well my roommates. Fuck, I'm so belligerently fucked. I only have two field goals for 2026 and one of them is to not be pessimistic but when I don't wear these contact lens any word rhyme or verb causes of the legs of my heart to tremble til I can barely walk from being blinded by fear but whenever I do have the contact lens in I overthink until I build and build and build a wall of precautions until it falls exposing the reality that now I've exposed myself! If I hadn't built the wall in the first place then this side of me would have never been shown to the public in the first place. Then again, overthinking is what saved my ass the last time I was thrown off a cliff.
Funny thing is that when I asked someone when was their goal for 2026, I internally slammed down the mallet from the pedestal of a courtroom when she said she just wanted to go to college to put together the 10 jumbo puzzle pieces of her life together. Now I wish upon A falling thousand Stars that I was her. Instead I'm walking on a bed of Hot rocks overthinking my next step at the other foot is molting by the skin. Toenails melting onto the rocks. Words can never illustrate how much I wish I could discover another map in person, you know?
Not so we could trade our deepest fairytale's of riding horses towards our deepest desires but to simply just unload this backpack of secrets, thoughts, anxiety's, and unsaid words that I have to haul around in this heavy ass backpack with the zipper holes change by the padlock with the key so well hidden yet I always worry about someone stumbling across it that I move it around so much it ends up following out my pocket. I FUCKING HATE THIS MAN! You know how they say, "there's a map in every neighborhood" but I've been staring at the ground on every neighborhood sidewalk for years and sure shit, I can't find one. "One in four girls have been groomed by the time they are eighteen so WHERE'S THE FUCKING SALON?!
Although I can't stand let alone sit next to someone who'd grope the tip of their dick to groping, restraining, and raping women of their tears sob down their cheeks while mucus runs down their lips as the rapists smile, heart rate, and dick gets bigger. Especially someone who'd feel that way toward a child but man, do you know how many times I've reached out to the only map's in my area to talk to. One of them was a dick, one slammed the door in my face even though we were friends before they ended up on the registry, one reached out to my family asking why I was messaging him on Facebook, "hello" although I was told my entire childhood because he went to prison for harming an infant, and the rest scurried like I had a flame thrower in my hands after I was doxxed by one of them because their girlfriend found out about a younger person I dated in my teens. That's the problem with this community. We'll throw each other under the bus just to make sure that we get home safely. Do you know how many times I've have to duck the registry because a map said some shit. We're worst then the anti's. I'm not saying that I reach out to maps on a daily basis nor do I come out frequently. I've only came out to my old therapist, ex-girlfriend of seven years, and my mother. Within the five years that I've been traveling this journey of myself I've only reached out to three maps. The rest were just obvious map's because I'd see them dating minors or whatever but I never confided in them my side. All I'm trying to say is that although I love the company of the online community, Heaven and hell would never understand what I'd give to be free with a friend, companion, brother like me, you know? To just get drunk on a Friday night without having your stereotypical Law & Order SVU villain Convo. Man, oh man, what I wouldn't give to just be free with myself.
Funny thing is that when I asked someone when was their goal for 2026, I internally slammed down the mallet from the pedestal of a courtroom when she said she just wanted to go to college to put together the 10 jumbo puzzle pieces of her life together. Now I wish upon A falling thousand Stars that I was her. Instead I'm walking on a bed of Hot rocks overthinking my next step at the other foot is molting by the skin. Toenails melting onto the rocks. Words can never illustrate how much I wish I could discover another map in person, you know?
Not so we could trade our deepest fairytale's of riding horses towards our deepest desires but to simply just unload this backpack of secrets, thoughts, anxiety's, and unsaid words that I have to haul around in this heavy ass backpack with the zipper holes change by the padlock with the key so well hidden yet I always worry about someone stumbling across it that I move it around so much it ends up following out my pocket. I FUCKING HATE THIS MAN! You know how they say, "there's a map in every neighborhood" but I've been staring at the ground on every neighborhood sidewalk for years and sure shit, I can't find one. "One in four girls have been groomed by the time they are eighteen so WHERE'S THE FUCKING SALON?!
Although I can't stand let alone sit next to someone who'd grope the tip of their dick to groping, restraining, and raping women of their tears sob down their cheeks while mucus runs down their lips as the rapists smile, heart rate, and dick gets bigger. Especially someone who'd feel that way toward a child but man, do you know how many times I've reached out to the only map's in my area to talk to. One of them was a dick, one slammed the door in my face even though we were friends before they ended up on the registry, one reached out to my family asking why I was messaging him on Facebook, "hello" although I was told my entire childhood because he went to prison for harming an infant, and the rest scurried like I had a flame thrower in my hands after I was doxxed by one of them because their girlfriend found out about a younger person I dated in my teens. That's the problem with this community. We'll throw each other under the bus just to make sure that we get home safely. Do you know how many times I've have to duck the registry because a map said some shit. We're worst then the anti's. I'm not saying that I reach out to maps on a daily basis nor do I come out frequently. I've only came out to my old therapist, ex-girlfriend of seven years, and my mother. Within the five years that I've been traveling this journey of myself I've only reached out to three maps. The rest were just obvious map's because I'd see them dating minors or whatever but I never confided in them my side. All I'm trying to say is that although I love the company of the online community, Heaven and hell would never understand what I'd give to be free with a friend, companion, brother like me, you know? To just get drunk on a Friday night without having your stereotypical Law & Order SVU villain Convo. Man, oh man, what I wouldn't give to just be free with myself.