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I was in a restaurant today, a Greek restaurant thinking about pederasty and how it become such a taboo thing to love children. I got this weird feeling and started zoning out.

I became fixated on the blue, yellow and white artwork of the place. I got this notion to start asking questions under my breath, and I "heard voices". I haven't had one of these in a while so I decided to engage. I asked why was I born in such a time with all of the pedophobia instead of a time with pedophilia, it responded with "to show the society people of your kind are not a threat." I asked why I am I so sensitive and hurt by all of this instead of being more emotionally disengaged, and it said "if you didn't have your sensitivity, you wouldn't care so much. You wouldn't be such a fighter."

Then I asked about the ever increasing laws and regulations about pedophilia. The answer? "You'll see." as if to be hinting of a secret that I'd be pleasantly surprised by. Then it went away.

Another time I talked to a young woman who'd baby had passed away shortly after birth, and she said his name was Corduroy, which is strange because just as I started to talk with about her other son, a few brief images of the book came up, well before she ever mentioned him. I also got the feeling these visions were related to her kids in some way.

Certain spices have weird psychological effects on me, but these have reinstated hope at least!

I can't say I put much faith in such things myself, but if it gives you strength, then all the better.

RoosterDance wrote: Sun Jul 05, 2026 8:05 am I can't say I put much faith in such things myself, but if it gives you strength, then all the better.

TBH, neither do I, which is why I took note of the spices. I never could become a true believer, yet also never a true nonbeliever unless I was in a severely altered state. I think it's a good thing as it prevents me from swinging too far in either direction. Either a radical, fanatic believer or a stone cold, emotionless skeptic. I've seen bad things on both sides.

I know when I'm away from much of civilization like on vacation I tend to become more open minded, but it's never gone beyond "maybe it's true" thinking. Even when very young I've always been aware that my beliefs are subjective, kind of a bit of curse at times.

I still really enjoy the open minded feeling though! Feels a lot better than "it HAS to be true! It MUST be!" beneath all of the dark pessimism I suffer from on a daily basis.