MAP Forum

I’m attracted to females from 12 to adulthood. I was about 21 years old when I started coming to terms with it even though it was clearer than a window. I was looking into non-illegal content for the years prior but I was too afraid to face the music. I became an alcoholic to hide from it. I was going through four to six 40-ounce bottles of vodka a week, an ounce of weed a week, and I was consuming a Godless amount of LSD, ketamine, and other psychedelics every other weekend. Once I sobered up, the truth came face to face faster than I wanted to see it. Around this time an old friend doxxed me. I wasn't looking at any illegal material, talking to any minors, nor did assault anyone. They just found out the kind of pictures I was looking at and turned on me. my friend kind of had to. He knew for years but once too many people were suspicious he had to join the party. I can't blame him. They hacked my phone and found out. My whole family cut me out, and the entire town I lived in since I was younger found out. It wasn't good. I had a large-sized McDonalds cup thrown at me in a Walmart parking lot. I worked as a custodian so people came to my job and trashed it multiple times until I was eventually fired because of the amount of people who were calling my boss. When I got another job at a store someone came to steal my phone. I had to go to the police department and track them down. My boss was harassed so badly that he had to fire me to save his business because nobody was willing to come to the store. My apartment was broken into multiple times. Everyone who pretended to be my friend kept asking me for my phone number so they could hack my phone. Every time I made a friend it felt like they found out the next week. It got severely bad to the point that I was suicidal every day. The worst part is that the guy who exposed me was a serial rapist. He had a reputation for raping girls around town when he was in high school. The kind of jock that would hand girls funny drinks so he threw me under the bus to make himself look good. A lot of people saw through him but not enough. I guess what bothers me is that he has destroyed lives. I was trying to figure myself out. When a girl came forward about what he did to her he turned everyone against this poor girl. This guy was messing with a thirteen-year-old old when he was twenty-one. The thing about it was that he seemed remorseful about his past and I felt like I couldn't judge because of the kind of person I am. Plus, I hate to admit it but I looked the other way because I liked hanging out with him too much even though a bunch of people told me to stop messing with him. I don't know if I'm just deflecting looking at my mistakes through this mindset but for some reason, I just daydream exposing him to the world every day. I eventually started going to a Mormon church because I was desperate so one day I prayed. My prayers were answered and so I started going to the first church I found. (I knew nothing about the Mormons before attending, I thought it was like any other branch of Christianity.) I started attending because I thought God could cure me. What a load of bull shit. Anyway, it felt so great at first. The people were so kind and inviting. I sobered up and gained some structure in my life, everything was perfect. I felt a sense of community that I truly needed at the time. Eventually, I said the wrong thing to the wrong person so they did some digging and found out. Suddenly I was at square one again. I tried so hard to prove that I was a good person that could never touch a kid but they didn't care. I wasn't kicked out but I could feel the tension in the room. I eventually stopped going because I was afraid of the looks they'd give me. I started going to other churches but they didn't work out. I even found a youth group where we would meet up for Bible study weekly but the problem was paranoia. I couldn't help this anxiety that if anyone found out the kind of person I am they'd want to kill me. This paranoia haunted me. I remember visiting my mother in her home state and she had my grandpa pick me up to meet my dad for the first time. We had drinks and stuff but the paranoia started settling in. I started weeping on the bathroom floor terrified that they poisoned my drink. These people didn't know me. There was no way in the universe they could have known my situation but yeah. When I got back things just kept getting worse over the year. My girlfriend of seven years was starting to face the impact of my situation as well. She's very sensitive and suicidal so I know she could not handle being a part of my situation. Plus that was her hometown. Her whole family was there. I spent every day terrified that she would eventually be persecuted as much as I was. She was the love of my life, my wifey but I had to let her go. I moved and even though I'm in a place where nobody could possibly know from time to time the paranoia crosses my mind. That's why I joined this community. To get the sense of community that I got from the church. I left behind Christianity and got into the occult. I have a PS5, I'm a writer, and a film buff. I smoke weed from time to time and right now in life, I'm trying to figure myself out. I listen to podcasts like Maps IRL, Map The World, and Pedologues because I want to explore the world of who I am rather than being afraid of it. For the most part I’m pro contract now but I listen no-map podcasts to open my mind. Hit me up. Anybody else ever been doxxed?

I had a rumor following me around at the end of high school but I was never doxxed. Was suicidal and agoraphobic for years and used to drink heavily/smoke (tobacco) heavily to calm myself down.

Stopping drinking made me less anxious, because I was always paranoid I'd give something away when I was drunk. The amount of times I woke up from a black out, fearing my life might be completely over are too many to count.

I'm still pretty directionless and unsatisfied by life. Gone back to drinking recently. Not as much as before I stopped though.

In the end, I kept trying to emotionally prepare for being torn apart by a mob, and eventually it made me feel like there was nothing left keeping me alive. That freaked me out a lot. Took me over a year to begin to stabilize after that.

I'm still pretty emotionally volatile.

I'm afraid I can't relate, but you do have my sympathy. That sounds like a lot to go through.

Hey man, I am sorry that you went through that. Sorry I have not been messaging you all this time. I will try to reply to you soon, it's just that I've been very busy with things, as well the project the I'm working on right now. Good to see you.

it's horrible being treated like that is something that should never happen to anyone.
from my experience it's more like I'm autistic and i was open about it somehow maybe because of my unthreatenable appearance and mentality nobody ever bothered me i have got weird looks honestly and i encountered like 3 personas that were hateful towards me and even some planed to do some nasty stuff they didn't do because that type of people are just cowards you step up and they're mirage fall down(but i don't recommend testing it in practice better avoid it and don't act like i do)

i have lots of friends in real live that aren't bothered by it(even tho they know stuff they probably should not know you can understand what that might be) its maybe the culture of my country or region i don't know but i had bad encounters like in the lesser group its actually surprising
i assume you are from US and its just that its so weird for me that people there are having like mass sex hysteria over there and they treat others like that even when they themselves are no better

stay strong and do not drink so much i smoke weed myself but if you do it to cover your problematic stuff... i feel you man its not gonna help you
i love you
.. /)/)~ ┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
..(•-•)~ ♡ You are amazing ♡
/づづ~┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛

nathan222 wrote: ↑Fri Nov 08, 2024 4:25 pm it's horrible being treated like that is something that should never happen to anyone.
from my experience it's more like I'm autistic and i was open about it somehow maybe because of my unthreatenable appearance and mentality nobody ever bothered me i have got weird looks honestly and i encountered like 3 personas that were hateful towards me and even some planed to do some nasty stuff they didn't do because that type of people are just cowards you step up and they're mirage fall down(but i don't recommend testing it in practice better avoid it and don't act like i do)

i have lots of friends in real live that aren't bothered by it(even tho they know stuff they probably should not know you can understand what that might be) its maybe the culture of my country or region i don't know but i had bad encounters like in the lesser group its actually surprising
i assume you are from US and its just that its so weird for me that people there are having like mass sex hysteria over there and they treat others like that even when they themselves are no better

stay strong and do not drink so much i smoke weed myself but if you do it to cover your problematic stuff... i feel you man its not gonna help you
i love you
.. /)/)~ ┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
..(•-•)~ ♡ You are amazing ♡
/づづ~┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛

Thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right about weed. I used to cope But I am trying to stay sober so that I can better my life and move on. I wish I lived in the area that you live in. I’m honestly not surprised about what you said about people giving you bad looks But just to be so honest, must be an amazing Feeling. I am so sorry to hear about those people who threatened you. I opened up to my mom about it And she said that she can’t look at me as that kind of person and so she just denies it altogether. It is frustrating, knowing that you can be better, but you don’t know how. I guess I’m starting to learn to be OK with it and except myself. I have no problem looking at Girls, posting videos of themselves, Twerking and stuff, but I’m still on a tight rope about consent because of how much society has brainwashed me into believing that that is the most evil act you can commit. Even if it’s a seventeen-year-old That is turning 18 the next day, lol. I love you so much For your kind words and accepting demeanor. I wish you the best man and I hope the world is kind to you as much as you have been to me.

Brain O'Conner wrote: ↑Fri Nov 08, 2024 2:51 pm Hey man, I am sorry that you went through that. Sorry I have not been messaging you all this time. I will try to reply to you soon, it's just that I've been very busy with things, as well the project the I'm working on right now. Good to see you.

Hey man, good to hear from you too. It’s cool. I can’t wait to see your documentary. I sent you some links of videos and documentaries about similar subject matter that I was wondering if it Could help you with your project. I’ll try to email you later thank you so much for what you said. Talk to you soon, man Have a good one

RoosterDance wrote: ↑Fri Nov 08, 2024 4:48 am I'm afraid I can't relate, but you do have my sympathy. That sounds like a lot to go through.

Thank you. Being this way is a weird reality because you don’t understand how people are gonna react if they know the kind of person you really are. I’m happy to hear that nothing of ever happened to you in regards to your sexual orientation. I wish you the best man.

PorcelainLark wrote: ↑Tue Nov 05, 2024 10:37 pm I had a rumor following me around at the end of high school but I was never doxxed. Was suicidal and agoraphobic for years and used to drink heavily/smoke (tobacco) heavily to calm myself down.

Stopping drinking made me less anxious, because I was always paranoid I'd give something away when I was drunk. The amount of times I woke up from a black out, fearing my life might be completely over are too many to count.

I'm still pretty directionless and unsatisfied by life. Gone back to drinking recently. Not as much as before I stopped though.

In the end, I kept trying to emotionally prepare for being torn apart by a mob, and eventually it made me feel like there was nothing left keeping me alive. That freaked me out a lot. Took me over a year to begin to stabilize after that.

I'm still pretty emotionally volatile.

I used to spend every day waiting for the mob to come to my front door as well. Every time I would hear police sirens, I would freak out and probably sit on my floor crying. It’s so nice to hear from someone who understands my pain and thank you for what you said because it was very relatable I am so sorry you had to go through that I’m happy to hear that you sobered up

Batmanthecute wrote: ↑Mon Nov 11, 2024 5:26 am I used to spend every day waiting for the mob to come to my front door as well. Every time I would hear police sirens, I would freak out and probably sit on my floor crying. It’s so nice to hear from someone who understands my pain and thank you for what you said because it was very relatable I am so sorry you had to go through that I’m happy to hear that you sobered up

No trouble. Hope things start to look up for you.