Hello from enby!

[Enbyfictionwriter]

Well hello there everyone! Enby isn’t a real name obviously, but I am non binary and I like to write, hence the username. When I was a kiddo, I loved to care for my little dolls and stuffed animals with warm, tender love. As soon as I was growing out of being a kid myself, I realized I was strongly attracted to children- in the very loving, “mama” sense. I just wanted to be around children, to see them smile and light up, to see them playing and having fun. And this is still the case for me, I am absolutely at my happiest when surrounded by kiddos, and when truly devoting myself to them. Yes, when I was 13 and 14 I started to realize what being horny meant. As a child I never really connected the dots, I never masturbated or anything, but I was so curious about other naked kids - I know now I was a horny and curious kid! But it was never satisfied. I know from age 5 I was pretty horny and curious, but never got any real good childhood sex play in. So yeah, once I was a young teen I was kind of shocked to see that my own body lit up for naked kids - even babies. I guess you would call me a nepiophile, I just learned that word tonight. But it wasn’t like - then or now - I would look at a baby and want to “fuck.” I would love to stroke them, kiss and hug, and (only in my fantasies) suck a tiny penis or clitoris. I was terrified then - and now - of running afoul of the law , or even worse - of hurting someone. I have struggled a lot with OCD, for example wondering if I was harming kids at one point just by putting my “energy out into the air.” Pretty cuckoo, but I became brave enough to get some professional help with that. I struggled a lot through my whole adult life with my body’s response to kids (I’m not going to say if it was a wet vulva or a stiff penis, because I don’t want to give away my non binary status haha). Even though I am very sure no one ever noticed what was going on in my pants, it bothered me a lot. I’ve become much more at peace with it, but it can still bug me. And it’s funny how anxiety mixes in - I can be very aroused with no reaction in my panties, or I can be totally not horny but still find my “parts” coming to life - probably out of fear.

Anyways, I have never been one to break the law or hurt people, and in fact I have a very satisfying life! In a different world, it might be amazing to have some sexy fun with kiddos, especially that 4-6 age when they are realizing what their bodies can do. But I am perfectly ok to fantasize, or read stories online.

I also like to look at photography books (stuff from Barnes and Noble even will have a naked kiddo in it if you look hard enough). Since I would never want anything illegal in my possession, it kind of became a hobby when I was younger to visit used book stores to find photography books - lots of cute kiddos, and classic older stuff, like Imogen Cunningham or Sally Mann - perhaps in the past people were more comfortable with nudity, let alone sexuality. But there is modern stuff too, like Nan Goldin’s “After Eden.” I am realizing this is a long intro! But I don’t obviously get to talk or share my story very often. I am so glad to have found this site - thanks for creating this safe space!

[Jim Burton]

Interesting - I had to search that while doing the content mod - here is a sample in Vogue (a mainstream publication - note, contains cropped and part nudity, infants):

https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/nan-gol ... raphy-book

Remember, be careful with the way you store even artistic defense material that is legal in and of itself, as it can still fall foul of child erotica statutes. This will depend largely on your jurisdiction, so is of course a private matter for you to research in confidence.

[Enbyfictionwriter]

Thank you for that sir! I think it is worse in the UK than in the states, no? I would think books that are widely available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble would probably be OK to sit on a shelf at home. I know that in the past there were nudist magazines available, but I don’t think they are made anymore. And there are also websites that are just purely nudist - and do show families and kiddos, but aren’t “sexual.” I find those lovely to look at.

I was also just reading another thread on here (I just found this site tonight) about getting off to cute stuff on IG or YouTube. Obviously that’s totally legal, but it freaks me out a bit because then that’s all in your history. Anyways, nice to meet you!

[WavesInEternity]

Welcome. I don't think I've noticed another enby user on this forum, but I might well be wrong as I'm fairly new here and still adjusting. The forum does have a Writer's Corner, if you ever write something that would be appropriate here and you want to share.

Pretty much all of us are afraid of hurting someone, and that's usually the main reason we refrain from contact. For me at least, the law is a mere afterthought in that respect. I've taken plenty enough illicit drugs in my life to know illegalism can involve both risks and rewards.

Interesting photographers. Cute pictures. It's interesting that when the kids are way too young relative to my age-of-attraction, imagining them in sexual situations just doesn't compute and can even be outright disgusting to me, which is a good way for me to be less judgmental toward the antis. I'm most definitely not judging you for it either, though. There are several nepiophiles among this forum's users.

[Enbyfictionwriter]

Waves,
I was lying down and getting ready to fall asleep, but your post had me thinking. When it comes to my version of the erotic, maybe we have to do some redefining of what “sex” even means. For me, to be turned on by a baby or toddler is to be deeply in connection with them, enchanted. If I could hold a little cutie in my arms, look into their eyes, kiss their forehead, and rub my thumb in their palm - that could honestly be enough to make me come - with no touching of my genitals, with no nudity or “sex.” It’s almost like a loving mama bear hunger. What you might picture as “having sex” - penises in vaginas and so forth - fucking - is really, at least in my version, not part of it at all. Wouldn’t work, couldn’t jive. But, at least in fantasy, a loving kiss on the belly - the lips - the genitals- could be amazing. It’s more of a one way street - giving. Rarely would I fantasize about having a child “get me off,” but to imagine what it would be like to give them an orgasm - lovingly and gently - can make me feel amazing inside. In my mind this would usually be a gentle suck on a tiny penis or clit. Again, it’s only fantasy, and when I meet that need there, it doesn’t demand attention in reality - in my day to day life.

[WavesInEternity]

Waves,
I was lying down and getting ready to fall asleep, but your post had me thinking. When it comes to my version of the erotic, maybe we have to do some redefining of what “sex” even means. For me, to be turned on by a baby or toddler is to be deeply in connection with them, enchanted. If I could hold a little cutie in my arms, look into their eyes, kiss their forehead, and rub my thumb in their palm - that could honestly be enough to make me come - with no touching of my genitals, with no nudity or “sex.” It’s almost like a loving mama bear hunger. What you might picture as “having sex” - penises in vaginas and so forth - fucking - is really, at least in my version, not part of it at all. Wouldn’t work, couldn’t jive. But, at least in fantasy, a loving kiss on the belly - the lips - the genitals- could be amazing. It’s more of a one way street - giving. Rarely would I fantasize about having a child “get me off,” but to imagine what it would be like to give them an orgasm - lovingly and gently - can make me feel amazing inside. In my mind this would usually be a gentle suck on a tiny penis or clit. Again, it’s only fantasy, and when I meet that need there, it doesn’t demand attention in reality - in my day to day life.

I see. Perhaps related is how I am quite dominant, rapey, and somewhat sadistic with the very few adults I'm attracted to, but the younger the girl, the more tender and gentle the nature of my sexual desire becomes. I can imagine that if the same trend continued for younger and younger girls, I might well end up with the sort of fantasies you describe in the age range you're referring to. My own explanation for that tendency was that I'm simply less intensely attracted to older girls, so I have to compensate with more "hardcore" sexuality, while with younger girls in my "ideal" age range, they're so perfect in and of themselves that just touching their skin can feel quite intense.

Research actually shows that non-coercive sexual contact between paedophiles and prepubescent children tends to reflect the typical sexual play of children of that age between themselves.

I once fell in love with a 7-year-old girl, the youngest I've ever loved in that way. She was very cuddly with me—abnormally so in fact, which suggests that she instinctively noticed there was something different about the way I looked at her and touched her. Just holding her on my lap felt deeply erotic, and although I did have some more "extreme" fantasies (especially when sexually frustrated, at the family cottage without lolicon as a sexual outlet), most of them were gentle, unusually so for my libido.

[Jim Burton]

Thank you for that sir! I think it is worse in the UK than in the states, no? I would think books that are widely available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble would probably be OK to sit on a shelf at home. I know that in the past there were nudist magazines available, but I don’t think they are made anymore. And there are also websites that are just purely nudist - and do show families and kiddos, but aren’t “sexual.” I find those lovely to look at.

I was also just reading another thread on here (I just found this site tonight) about getting off to cute stuff on IG or YouTube. Obviously that’s totally legal, but it freaks me out a bit because then that’s all in your history. Anyways, nice to meet you!

You might collect editions of National Geographic that contain naked kids and teens, but in some jurisdictions it might be down to a jury to determine why you were collecting them (your search history, and that includes family nudity, may be used for this). I have one book by Hubbard which features a few ancient vase drawings of boys with erections - even this might be considered problematic according to a subjective standard of obscenity. I'm pretty confident that it could be established I wasn't dependent upon those drawings or using them in the "wrong" way. And I'm a fag who goes with older men anyway.

It's better in this sense not to give too much away, or simply mention that you appreciate the artistic input.

[Enbyfictionwriter]

Thank you for this reply. I am always trying to think about what truly brings happiness in life, and what is more being "dependent." I have learned through the years that allowing my rich fantasy life was definitely a need. But maybe it is better to nurture that inner world with less from the outside? Looking at drawings, pictures, etc...maybe that feeds something that doesn't need feeding? Maybe I mistake it for a need, when it isn't?

Because the priority in my life is truly serving others. And its odd, but I can fantasize and feel really hot about kids I don't know. Strangers. But once I lean in and have any kind of a relationship, that erotic or sexual feeling fades, and a wash of love takes over. It's almost as if what is really crying out inside of me is to love and be loved, and the sexual need fades and/or is totally satisfied in fantasy. And I would hate to ever prioritize fantasy over my real life, or even "harm" someone by no longer being available to care and serve (my family, my friends, my kids). So even though I would never do anything illegal, I feel like I don't even want to push boundaries. Like, that's not the place worth pushing, is it? I would hate to ever be in a position to have a jury looking over how I live my life- I am a good person who takes care of others, and works so hard not to hurt any creature (I am vegetarian too!). I hope this isn't rambling, but being able to open up on here helps me sort some stuff out. Thanks group!
-NB

[WavesInEternity]

Thank you for this reply. I am always trying to think about what truly brings happiness in life, and what is more being "dependent." I have learned through the years that allowing my rich fantasy life was definitely a need. But maybe it is better to nurture that inner world with less from the outside? Looking at drawings, pictures, etc...maybe that feeds something that doesn't need feeding? Maybe I mistake it for a need, when it isn't?

I can't live without my fantasy life either. When I stop writing for more than a few days, it's a really bad sign: I'm either depressed to the point where suicidal thoughts aren't too far off, or very physically sick (I nearly died three times in my life, most recently last summer).

I can't speak for you, of course, but in my case at least, nourishing that inner universe with outside material has always been highly valuable. Whether that's through literature, manga, anime, or just pictures, I've never felt that there was anything remotely mistaken about it. When I looked at lolicon in my teens and my mother found my printed stash, she became hysterical and it was the biggest conflict that ever occurred between us. I had to endure so many speeches from her, my uncle, and other family members about how "bad" porn was for me. From my point of view, it wasn't "porn", it was art. Precious art that was immensely important in my life. The sexual arousal it elicited was incidental. I always stood my ground and ultimately bought my own laptop with my own money at age 14, which was a way to tell them that they'd need to "agree to disagree" and leave me be.

In any case, I dislike the notion that we should only care about what we "need". The human experience is all about going beyond necessity and fulfilling one's desires. We are desiring-machines.

Because the priority in my life is truly serving others. And its odd, but I can fantasize and feel really hot about kids I don't know. Strangers. But once I lean in and have any kind of a relationship, that erotic or sexual feeling fades, and a wash of love takes over.

I'm the total opposite! Especially with adults, but also with younger girls, the more I get to know and love them, the more sexual desire I feel. Love and lust are inextricable for me... two sides of the same coin in my close relationships with cute girls. In fact, in the case of the girlfriend I stayed with the longest, I originally did not find her sexually attractive at all, first of all because she was too old (18 when we met!). The desire emerged gradually, in a rather stereotypically "feminine" way, through our relationship, as I came to know her better and we became best friends. Over more than two years, she made deliberate efforts to be attractive to me (lost weight, changed her hairstyle, adjusted her fashion sense...), and I eventually learned that we were very compatible sexually (she was a sexually submissive autopedophile who turned out to love all the lolicon I introduced her to).