acceptance and denial

[18andconfused]

(this is my first time in here)

I’ve had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. I can recall being in first grade and getting in trouble for showing my underwear to my friends and them showing me theirs. I used to daydream about touching my childhood friend. And my body reacts to things - sometimes I’ll start getting tingly and wet from a thought that I continue to tell myself I shouldn’t be having. I don’t know any terms or what things are called. For me, I can certainly be romantic and sexual with people my age and even older. I just also have a desire on the other end of that spectrum. 1-8 is so cute to me. I love the chubbiness of the littles, the puffiness and the smooth skin. And I can remember being young and knowing that my body wanted to be touched. I’d hump my stuffed animals and sit on things to stimulate myself. I enjoyed it. I’m sure I would have enjoyed someone to show me the best ways. That’s what intrigues me about the 6,7&8. Do any other girls relate?

[WavesInEternity]

Welcome!

Just to clarify: you're attracted to people around your own age (18?), and to children aged 1 to 8... but not to young people in between those age ranges? That would be quite unusual, and it would mean that the age range I find attractive—7 to 17 roughly; I prefer the look of girls between 8 and 12, but find that they have a better balance of personality and looks between 10 and 14—is pretty much exactly excluded from what you're attracted to!

Are you attracted to both young girls and boys? Can you remember approximately at what age you began to experience sexual feelings? And when you started to masturbate? Also, a more personal question: do you think you'd enjoy age play with an adult partner? (I do, and I tend to prefer when my partner plays a role on the younger side of my age of attraction range.)

I'm a guy, but I started masturbating—in the shower, with a massage setting—at 7. I'd spend a long time pleasuring myself under the warm water stream. I first experienced erotic desire for a girl, a cousin of my own age, at 9. She had fallen asleep in the car while cuddling me and it gave me all sorts of new feelings. I felt like touching her, like caressing her whole body... her thighs and the space between them being especially appealing. For the whole weekend I spent in her presence at an aunt's place, I couldn't get it off my mind, although I never actually acted upon those desires. By age 10, I was browsing porn online. That was a while before my puberty started, so the people who tie the incipience of sexual desire to the onset of puberty are clearly wrong.

I discovered lolicon, through very deliberate searches for porn that turned me on, at 12. That was life-changing, because it resonated perfectly with my sexuality, to an extent that couldn't even compare to any other erotic material I had ever seen before. However, I was in complete denial about the implications, telling myself that I was a nijikon attracted to childlike 2D characters, and/or hoping that I'd "grow out of it". At age 15, I fell in love with a 7-year-old distant cousin, and when I found myself in her presence at the family cottage without lolicon as a sexual outlet, it led to the one and only time in my life I experienced desires I'd describe as sexually predatory. That was a wake-up call, and I soon reluctantly accepted the fact that I was, at least in part, a paedophile (I didn't know the acronym MAP at the time).

[18andconfused]

hiya, thank you yes, i’m attracted to people my age, sometimes men that are older than me, and children aged 1-8. i want to clarify that these feelings are of love and affection, not any for my own self benefit. any fantasies or thoughts i have involve softness and desire. to answer your questions, i would say yes, both boys and girls. i think the reason why i prefer 1-8 is because there is very limited differences between boys and girls. which is quite interesting considering i like both men and women anyway. i remember having sexual feelings around 4 or 5. i would sometimes sit on the edge of a table at school, stimulating myself (so i agree with your statement about the relation between puberty and sexuality). as i got older, around 13, i began properly masturbating quite frequently. i’ve had sexual thoughts and feelings for as long as i can remember.
and honestly, i’d love to do try age play. i’ve just never met someone who i think would be into that sort of thing. i often wonder if i experienced something as a young child that i can’t remember that affected my feelings, because there are times where i feel child like it would enjoy age regressing, in a non sexual way.

and i’ve also hoped my feelings would go away. it’s hard. if there are people who feel the way i do, which i trust that there are, then there are people who would never hurt a child and just want to give them a beautiful, sensual experience and admire their beauty.

[Fragment]

I edited your post slightly. Let’s try to avoid graphic detail about sexual things.

[18andconfused]

oh i’m sorry i thought i was able to if it was in reference to myself

[18andconfused]

Welcome!

Just to clarify: you're attracted to people around your own age (18?), and to children aged 1 to 8... but not to young people in between those age ranges? That would be quite unusual, and it would mean that the age range I find attractive—7 to 17 roughly; I prefer the look of girls between 8 and 12, but find that they have a better balance of personality and looks between 10 and 14—is pretty much exactly excluded from what you're attracted to!

Are you attracted to both young girls and boys? Can you remember approximately at what age you began to experience sexual feelings? And when you started to masturbate? Also, a more personal question: do you think you'd enjoy age play with an adult partner? (I do, and I tend to prefer when my partner plays a role on the younger side of my age of attraction range.)

I'm a guy, but I started masturbating—in the shower, with a massage setting—at 7. I'd spend a long time pleasuring myself under the warm water stream. I first experienced erotic desire for a girl, a cousin of my own age, at 9. She had fallen asleep in the car while cuddling me and it gave me all sorts of new feelings. I felt like touching her, like caressing her whole body... her thighs and the space between them being especially appealing. For the whole weekend I spent in her presence at an aunt's place, I couldn't get it off my mind, although I never actually acted upon those desires. By age 10, I was browsing porn online. That was a while before my puberty started, so the people who tie the incipience of sexual desire to the onset of puberty are clearly wrong.

I discovered lolicon, through very deliberate searches for porn that turned me on, at 12. That was life-changing, because it resonated perfectly with my sexuality, to an extent that couldn't even compare to any other erotic material I had ever seen before. However, I was in complete denial about the implications, telling myself that I was a nijikon attracted to childlike 2D characters, and/or hoping that I'd "grow out of it". At age 15, I fell in love with a 7-year-old distant cousin, and when I found myself in her presence at the family cottage without lolicon as a sexual outlet, it led to the one and only time in my life I experienced desires I'd describe as sexually predatory. That was a wake-up call, and I soon reluctantly accepted the fact that I was, at least in part, a paedophile (I didn't know the acronym MAP at the time).

i also wanted to ask, do u know all the acronyms? i’ve seen a few different ones mentioned on here but idk what they mean. and, how old are you?

[WavesInEternity]

i also wanted to ask, do u know all the acronyms? i’ve seen a few different ones mentioned on here but idk what they mean. and, how old are you?

Here's a non-exhaustive list:

MAP: Minor-Attracted Person
MAA: Minor-Attracted Adult
AAM: Adult-Attracted Minor
BL: BoyLove(r)
GL: GirlLove(r)
CL: ChildLove(r)
AMSC: Adult-Minor Sexual Contact
AMSR: Adult-Minor Sexual Relations
AASC: Adult-Adult Sexual Contact
AASR: Adult-Adult Sexual Relations
YF: Young Friend (a minor with whom a MAA has a close bond, often a platonic one but not necessarily)
AF: Adult Friend (the other way around for AAMs)
PIM: Prohibited Images of Minors (this includes CP, so-called "Child Pornography", but also e.g. lolicon/shotacon or self-generated nudes of teens)
CSA: Child Sexual Abuse
AoC: Age of Consent

You can find an explanation and analysis of some of those key acronyms by Mu here: https://www.map-union.org/blog/mu-analy ... sc-and-pim

You'll also often encounter the terms pro-c (pro-consent, pro-choice, pro-contact, pro-legalization) and anti-c (anti-contact). The latter shouldn't be confused with the term anti.

For the record, I'm in my 30s, first half.

[WavesInEternity]

i think the reason why i prefer 1-8 is because there is very limited differences between boys and girls. which is quite interesting considering i like both men and women anyway.

I see. One of the reasons I start being attracted to girls around 7 ± 1 year is precisely that they become more distinct from boys, more "girly". I'm not at all attracted to boys (I score 0 on the Kinsey Scale, what about you?), and for a girl to be attractive to me, she must have a characteristically feminine personality, style, demeanour, etc. Physically, what I find most attractive of all is the fleeting moment when a girl's body just starts to become more typically feminine, which can be anywhere from age 8 to 12 depending on the girl.

My fantasies are very diverse, ranging from the most tender caresses to outright rape. The more violent ones are more frequent with older girls and the few adults I fall for... the younger the girl, the more gentle are my fantasies. A nepiophile here described their fantasies as being barely sexual at all and extremely gentle, which got me thinking that perhaps if I did find girls in that age range attractive, my fantasies involving them might well be of a similar nature.

i remember having sexual feelings around 4 or 5. i would sometimes sit on the edge of a table at school, stimulating myself (so i agree with your statement about the relation between puberty and sexuality). as i got older, around 13, i began properly masturbating quite frequently. i’ve had sexual thoughts and feelings for as long as i can remember.

Wow, that sure is precocious. I most certainly had no sexual thoughts nor feelings before age 7, and they weren't oriented toward others before age 9. By "properly masturbating" at 13, do you mean that you didn't experience orgasms before that age?

Something I've often wondered is whether or not the feelings of MAPs might be linked to our own sexuality as children, and to what extent. The age at which girls start being sexually attractive to me is pretty much exactly the age at which I started masturbating. You've had sexual feelings for "as long as you can remember" and are attracted to very young children, even babies. However, if I recall correctly, Fragment here might be a counter-example, as he's a hebephilic BL but was a late bloomer sexually.

and honestly, i’d love to do try age play. i’ve just never met someone who i think would be into that sort of thing. i often wonder if i experienced something as a young child that i can’t remember that affected my feelings, because there are times where i feel child like it would enjoy age regressing, in a non sexual way.

and i’ve also hoped my feelings would go away. it’s hard. if there are people who feel the way i do, which i trust that there are, then there are people who would never hurt a child and just want to give them a beautiful, sensual experience and admire their beauty.

There are quite a few people into age play in the BDSM community (do you know that acronym?), including some specific sub-cultures like DDLG (Daddy Dom & Little Girl). They're controversial, though; I was once banned from an online BDSM community—and "reported to authorities"!—for consensual age play with adults, without mentioning that I'm a MAP or real little girls in any way at any point. I'm a reasonably experienced Dom, and although I'm not into DDLG specifically (I've got my own "daddy issues", ugh), I can definitely answer any more general questions you might have about age play or BDSM.

There are many people who feel the way you do. If I ever were to have any actual sexual contact with a younger girl of my "ideal" age (11 or 12, generally), I'd want to worship her and give her the best possible time above all. With adults, I always feel more selfish because my level of attraction is inevitably lower. Just holding a little girl in my arms can feel as good to me as naked foreplay and French kisses with a young adult girlfriend, even if I really connect with her sexually.

[Fragment]

With adults, I always feel more selfish because my level of attraction is inevitably lower.

I definitely felt this way with my wife. Wrong age and gender. It was almost businesslike for the purpose of having a family.

[WavesInEternity]

I definitely felt this way with my wife. Wrong age and gender. It was almost businesslike for the purpose of having a family.

I'm surprised you didn't have to resort to artificial insemination! I tried mutual masturbation with a close male friend once, while we were both on MDAI and finding that hugging and cuddling each other was really enjoyable. Within seconds, it was just a huge, loud NOPE in my mind. I reacted a lot more strongly than him. Just touching his... thing... was absolutely repulsive. It was visceral. I wouldn't call it traumatizing, but it was definitely an unpleasant experience that I regret ever attempting.