Was anyone here abused as a child?

[Julia]

I was sexually abused by a teacher from age 9 to 10. Every week, after swimming lessons, she'd take me to a storage room where no one ever came. This teacher was an old, ugly hag, and it was very traumatising. I completely dissociated through it every time. I come from an abusive family, so I had no one to turn to. If my siblings would have found out, they would have bullied me with it for sure. I told myself that as long as no one knows about it, it might as well not have happened. I'd make myself believe that it didn't happen. Eventually, I managed to suppress the memories completely. I did this with most of the traumatic events I experienced during childhood.

However, ever since that happened I spent an awful lot of time fantasising about being in a loving relationship with an adult. Every day in class, I was fantasising about being in a loving relationship with a woman in her twenties who would take me away and save me from my shitty life. Even during recess, I would always fantasise that she's there somewhere near, keeping a protective eye on me. Later, I also started having fantasies about sexual relationships with older boys.

Once I became an adult, the roles in my fantasies flipped, and I started imagining scenarios where I am the one who saves a young person from their shitty traumatic life and let them experience real love, although when I look at drawn korephilic content, I always feel like I'd want to be both of the characters.

The sexual abuse I experienced has left me with chronic hemorrhoids and anal fissures which I still struggle a lot with today.

A couple of years ago, in my early twenties, my mental health problems became impossible to live with, so I decided to try to remember all the things I had suppressed. In the back of my mind, I always knew that there is a lot of memories I keep suppressed, but I avoided thinking about that as well. It was at that point that the memories began to resurface. I've reached a point where I'm okay thinking and talking about it, but I will never set foot in an indoor swimming pool again.