An Ongoing Journey

[WavesInEternity]

Ever since my very deliberate discovery of lolicon at 12 years of age, I knew that something was different about my sexuality. Initially, I expected to "grow out of it" given my age, and/or convinced myself that I wasn't interested in real little girls, that I was merely a nijikon with a peculiar attraction towards childlike 2D anime characters. It didn't help that my mother found my printed lolicon stash when I was 13 and became hysterical, primarily due to me having two younger sisters. It was the biggest fight of our lives.

Reality gave me a serious wake-up call in my mid-teens when I found myself desiring a 7-year-old distant cousin, the youngest girl I've found attractive to this day... but also one of the three I've desired the most powerfully. Finding myself in her presence at the family cottage without porn as a sexual outlet led to the only time in my life I experienced feelings I'd describe as sexually predatory. I could no longer deny it: I was a bona fide paedophile (with the knowledge I have today, I call myself preferentially hebephilic). I became suicidal, turned to substance abuse, and questioned whether I could really contribute positively to this world. Still, I succeeded academically.

In the following years, I tried really hard, if not obsessively, to find romantic and sexual fulfillment with adult partners. My first high school crush, still a close friend, kindly offered me to have my first kiss and taste of physical intimacy (not sex), while I was 17 and her 18. By that point, she was right at the boundary of no longer being attractive to me, and I couldn't help but keep imagining her as her 13-year-old self. I am nevertheless immensely thankful to her.

My real hope came the following year. I became best friends with a girl, again a bit older than me, with whom I shared a close intellectual and spiritual bond. I wasn't sexually attracted to her at all at first... but gradually, she made efforts to learn about me, adjusted her clothes and hairstyle, exercised to lose weight, and eventually, we discussed our sexuality for the first time. I learned that she was what I would come to describe as an autopedophile: someone who finds it arousing to imagine herself as a child, act as a child during intimate moments, etc. She didn't even know that I was a hebephile/paedophile when she disclosed that aspect of her sexuality.

This unexpected connection made me feel a different kind of sexual attraction... not the immediate "masculine" type centered on visual cues, but a more "feminine" variety gradually arising from my relationship with her. It felt like, in a way, I could see her as a child for the purposes of intimacy... because she wanted to be seen that way and tried hard to be that way, preserving and highlighting in herself the childlike traits I loved: curiosity, sense of wonder, candor, authenticity, fun-oriented outlook, non-judgmental attitude, etc. Adding BDSM elements to our sexuality (I have dominant fantasies and am somewhat of a sadist, although much less so with younger girls) also compensated for the lower level of sexual attraction I felt towards her.

Tragically, severe family problems and on-and-off periods of drug and alcohol abuse ultimately undermined those lovely aspects of her personality and broke my relationship with that rare gem of a girl. I ended up in a self-destructive cycle of nihilistic despair, eventually being homeless for a long time. Soon after I had finally found a place, I nearly died from the severe complications of an exceptionally bad case of pneumonia, spending a while in a coma and eventually having to relearn how to walk.

As I tried to give life yet another chance, I started writing romance and erotica involving younger girls in my AoA range, at first as a therapeutic process to get over the pain from my breakup. For that purpose, I decided to research child-adult intimate relationships, which eventually led me to pro-legalization perspectives, with which I had only a passing acquaintance.

I gradually realized the extent to which such views, even in the form of serious scholarly research, were systematically censored in our society. I started to question the sex-negative, child-oppressive dogmas I had come to internalize in my own view of myself. The effect was liberating. I felt as though, for the first time, I could see the truth about my own feelings clearly... not just my current feelings as an adult MAP, but also my past feelings as a highly sexual child that was being told by society that he "wasn't supposed" to feel that way.

It's in that context that I finally decided to become active in the MAP community.

Our society needs to change. Some of our civilization's foundational assumptions regarding "children" need to be radically rethought.

[BLueRibbon]

What an excellent introduction. Welcome.

[CLover36]

Our society needs to change. Some of our civilization's foundational assumptions regarding "children" need to be radically rethought.

Welcome to the party, pal.