New to the Forum

[Samuel293]

Hello.

Well, this is really weird for me. I'm in my 50's and have never really told anyone I am a MAP. I had some idea when I was as young as 12 or 13 I was definitely different, but quickly understood that this was not a secret I could ever disclose to anyone.

I'm attracted to boys, usually in the range of 12-14 years old, but it can expand out a little more to boys maybe as young as 10 or as old as 16. That's an exclusive attraction to boys that age, and I've never really been attracted to adults at all. Not sure if that makes me a pedophile or a hebephile, but not sure it really matters. It's minors one way or the other so it isn't good. When I first started to have an inkling of my attractions, I remember being in about 5th grade or so and being attracted to boys my own age. At first I thought I was just gay. Well, I wish that had been the problem. That would have sucked too when I was growing up, but at least things got somewhat better for people who were just gay as time went on.

I noticed by the time I was in junior high that the type of people I was attracted to really wasn't changing. It concerned me that I was still interested in boys as young as those in grade school. It wasn't until I was in high school and my attraction was still mostly to those boys from junior high that I realized for sure I had a serious problem. I knew I was never really all that interested in any boy older than about 16. It was scary.

One thing I resolved, even from that age, was that I was never going to admit my problem. It was very clear what the world thought of people like that and I wanted no part of it. As I got older in high school, I realized I could never act on my feelings for younger boys. It would get me in trouble and I learned too that it could mess kids up. I've never touched a kid. I never would. And I don't use CP either. I know kids are hurt from that too so I leave it alone.

I know some people like me probably go ahead and get into relationships with adults and even marry. Sure I thought about that. But I felt that was wrong too. I didn't want to make some girl or guy unhappy, and I figured that's how it would go if I got into a relationship that was not authentic. I knew I could never satisfy the needs of any partner so . . . why even bother?

So I've lived my whole life alone. Some folks ask me if I'm gay. If someone is bold enough to ask my orientation, I usually just say I'm asexual. Not exactly true, but since I don't have sex with anyone, it isn't a lie either. The excuse gets me by. I'm lucky enough to be reasonably successful. I have family. I have good friends. I have the company of my pets. I have interests and hobbies that keep me busy. But I'm haunted by the fact that I can't have honest conversations with anyone ever that truly knows me, including the part that bothers me the most. It's lonely and it sucks. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life, and definitely thought about ending my life numerous times. As you get older, it definitely gets harder to make friends. Had a good friend of mine pass a little more than a year ago, and

Not sure what else to say about it right now, but I guess that is why I've decided to sign up here. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm too old for that and I've accepted my situation. Still, it would be nice to talk to people that at least understand my problem and have some empathy. At least folks with the same problem can't judge me too much.

Sam

[BLueRibbon]

I imagine a lot of people here will identify with your introduction, Sam.

Welcome to the forum.

[Supermario]

Hi Sam,

I've also struggled at times to accept my own sexuality - I've learnt that being a map/pedo is healthy and widespread and I hope that you can too!

I've learnt to reject the narrative that pedophilia and adult-child sex is a mental health disorder, a crime, or immoral, and learnt to accept the narrative that pedophilia is natural, healthy, and fun to express.

There has been some public pedophilia acceptance movements which aim to explore, understand, and draw parallels between the nature of being homosexual and being pedophilic. Yet there are still cruel individuals who take any opportunity they can to ruin the lives of those they judge wrongly based on a single surface characteristic such as race or sexuality.

Hopefully, they'll get it.

[Samuel293]

Thanks for responding Mario. I have looked around a little and I think I get the idea that you can't really be blamed for who you find attractive. I can kind of accept that idea. I doubt any of us asked to like kids. I sure didn't ask to like boys. If I had the choice, there's no way I would have asked for that. I sometimes have wondered if there was something I am supposed to learn from being born with this attraction. One thing I do think is that it allows me to be more understanding of other people and not to judge when I haven't been in that person's shoes.

It is hard to accept my attraction to boys as healthy when it has had such a bad impact on my mental health. And the programming you always get is that the term "pedo" is an insult, and people use it the same way they used to when calling a gay person a "fag" (even though not many people use that in public anymore). You know, it isn't just said, it is actually hissed when people say it. Sure you know what I mean.

I think you are right. Probably a lot more people are MAP then anyone thinks. The ones that have adult attractions too can get along pretty easily being a MAP I guess because they can probably put it in a box and not think about it so much.

[Samuel293]

I imagine a lot of people here will identify with your introduction, Sam.

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks so much! I sure hope so BlueRibbon.