-There is is not a single day that I don't suffer from body dysphoria; some days are worse than others, mid-life despair (what I'd call 'depression' depending on the day or time of day) or anxiety about the prospect of my mother dying (she's 71, the worst thing is that I'll have to deal with her passing with no privacy since so many people hack into her phone, her computer, the devices of family members and people who visit the house etc.) and either being homeless or having to work in public in future but, even though I've been dealing with yet new body image problems lately (new epic skin problems constantly, constantly arise) and yesterday was a really bad skin day in general, my mid-life despair for a big part of yesterday and this morning; up until this afternoon, wasn't as bad as it usually is (the shock and surreality of turning 40 hits me early in the morning and I can't describe it. I swear on my soul, not wanting my children to experience this would be more than enough of a reason to not procreate). But it hit me again all over again this afternoon, and yesterday in the shower, the brutal realization that a) I have never kissed a woman whom I was attracted to and b) I could have otherwise kissed a woman I was attracted to if not for the constant indirect criticism/mocking of my appearance that made me so self-conscious and reclusive, although I had been shy even as a teenager prior to this, and even worse; later, the complete absence of privacy (e.g. phone/computer hacking. I miss the pre-2010 era, who wants to live in this world where strangers hack into your phones 24/7, why would anyone bring children into this? It's like a science fiction nightmare, I never though this would be an issue when I was 24. To be fair, other people don't seem to mind it but consider just the possibility that your children will) and public anonymity that made seeking out some kind of casual encounter online impossible (maybe even another escort). I don't regret not ever having a committed relationship, I'm not social enough for that. I don't regret not getting married or having children. I had sex with an escort I was semi-attracted to, as disappointed as I was afterward at the time it's the only sex memory I cherish but she's also the only partner who didn't kiss me (I kissed the first girl, whom I liked as a person, and we performed oral sex on each other but I wasn't physically attracted to her so I couldn't get erect, I also kissed the third partner; a middle-aged escort, but I wasn't remotely attracted to her. The only one I was semi-attracted to is the one who wasn't down with kissing, not to sound entitled; it's just disappointing). Kissing is more important to me than actual sex.
-Let me try to get on with this. I have always felt that I would be ok with aging if I could look back on earlier happy memories from my youth, but I don't know if I really would. I hate the idea of misery loves company; depending on what exactly that means, but it might actually help if I'm wrong and losing access to the people I'm attracted to would hurt just as much even with those happy memories, maybe even all the more since I got used to something that would eventually be taken away from me. I know that there are plenty of people who don't have access to the people they're attracted to, and even many who never did, but my situation feels unique because I could otherwise have kissed a girl I found pretty in my prime. Is it? All other factors being equal, should I really think that I suffer more than someone who never could have?
I always had stretch marks, etc. but at one point, at times, I think my face could have gotten me some kisses which I care about even more than sex (I wouldn't knowingly have sex with a woman who had a no-kissing policy, but I would kiss a woman who was celibate or not interested in sex). I am desperately trying to search for a perspective that would soften this brutal reality or put things into perspective in a way that could help (beyond just using my pain to clarify the value of happiness/suffering which is something, for sure, but not enough). You could say that I should have buckled down, put my chin up and endured the self-consciousness that came with seeking out a one-night stand or something and that would make sense if the physical contact itself would be inherently valuable but if the humiliation, body dysphoria or self-consciousness was so strong that I couldn't enjoy the intimacy it wouldn't have been worth it.
-You don't understand (you probably do, just let me be dramatic). I need emotionally intimate sexual or sensual contact with an attractive young girl/woman in her teens, twenties or thirties (there are some 40-something-year-olds or older who looks as though they're in their thirties but they are relatively rare so I'm even less likely to come across one). I need it like I need to breathe, or eat, or sleep. That has more or less been what I've wanted for myself more than anything else for as long as I can remember. I can't be a middle-aged or elderly man with no possible hope for that (I turn 40 one month from tomorrow), it is a fate worse than death, for me. There have been times when it helped a lot to consider that any woman I met would eventually have critiqued or mocked my appearance or looked down on me, if not hated my guts, for whatever reasons since people generally seem to sooner or later but honestly, as far as the fantasy of that woman I could spend time with in a shallow way for one hour or one night, I don't really care if she later ended up hurting me or wasn't my ideal. Besides, I can't rule out the possibility that I'd be compatible with some exceptional person out there.
-Assuming that most of you have never had any sexual/erotic intimacy with minors under the age of consent in whatever province, state or country you live in, do you think that you're worse off for it than you would be if you had had that experience and lost it due to aging or for whatever reasons? What about those of you who have been intimate with people you're attracted to but no longer have that, do your memories of happier times help you to endure? Am I putting too much into the value of memories in that, even though memory is the stuff that our fantasies are made from, the memory of past sexual/romantic encounters need not be a source of greater happiness than fantasizing about encounters that never happened (thank God that no matter what happens, we always have the option to fantasize about a better life but depending on one's mood or how unrealistic the fantasy etc. it might not even semi-satisfy our desires. Fantasy is seen as deeply unsophisticated and 'unhealthy,' not the 'secret to happiness' that therapists or self-improvement gurus would advise, but it really is the nearest thing to a foolproof means of satisfying desires that cannot be accommodated by the external world, that's another topic). The past mattered so it's one thing to appreciate the good that was but in terms of reliving those memories, is that really more satisfying than just fantasy in general?
-I cannot put into words how harsh, dark and scary the reality of never having any emotionally intimate sexual encounter with a woman in her thirties (or twenties or teens) is (not an expression of affection, I prefer porn-like sex, but with lots of kissing and post-coital cuddling or hugging or more kissing). Any woman would already be turned off by my body (trust me on this one) but, minus more than six really ugly probably lifelong acne scars, there are rare days (or at least moments on those days) when my face is neutral-ok and obviously things are just going to get worse and worse as I age (already I have the most messed up hair, constantly dry lips, red eyes, my face is either too dry or overly sweaty, a cracked tooth even, this nasty white stuff on the left side of my tongue that I can somewhat temporarily diminish with carefully brushing that area etc. but it always comes back and probably some other tongue issues I'm scared to check, etc etc. My face has also aged since just last year. My bald area makes it hard for me to fantasize about sucking on a woman's clitoris or her nipples and these ugly bumps on my fingers makes it hard for me to daydream about fingering one, but that's not even the worst so I don't want to start listing all of the things that would turn most women off).
-How do people expect the elderly to see attractive young people and realize that they have no possible chance of ever, ever being with someone who looks like that (assuming most elderly people maintain the same age preferences that they had when they were younger, whatever they might claim. It would be the best thing in the world if I was as attracted to post-menopausal women in their 60s as I am to teenagers. It's crazy that some feminists might think that I choose to prefer younger women. I'm not ashamed of being attracted to them but I'd give anything to not prefer them, to be attracted to my own age group consistently throughout my life). How is that ok or something that we just accept? I just can't wrap my mind around needing something that you cannot have but still thinking that there's something inherently beautiful about life, that everything is ok and 'nothing to see here.'
Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
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