20M/Asia - Anthony

[annnshhh]

Hey, Guys. I'm 20 years old Gay MAP. This is going to be a long introduction but I appreciate whoever took and spare their time to read this.

So, in my early day as a young boy I was exposed to what we called it as "pornography". I remember it was when my friends who were slightly older than me decided to look up that said exposed content on my family's personal computer, along side with my older sibling. At that time, I didn't know what they were up or doing. So being the curious boy that I was, I decided to find my way to take a little peek of what they're doing. And it turned out they were watching pornography content. I didn't know what porn was and why my friends were so tuned in of it. So, not long after that incident, I secretly try to searching it up myself and take a full look of what's is happening. And that's when I found myself to having some type of attraction to porn.

Few years forward, when I was in 3rd grade of elementary school, I remember one or two of my schoolmates, boys, told me that I looked "Gay". I was confused and didn't know what they mean. So, doing what I always do, I search up "Gay" on internet just to be shown male to male interaction. I wasn't intrigued or anything when I first searched it so, I look even more deeper and try to search "Gay Porn". The moment I saw two males having a sexual intercourse, I felt something grew in me, a feeling that can't be explained.

Throughout my childhood life, I have always secretly been around the idea of pornography and homosexuality, which were perceived as taboo or immoral for children around my age at that time to have consumed that type of materials. And, as I grew up, I'm becoming attached to pornography.

In my early teenager years, and being the person that I was, I spent a lot of time being on the internet, whether I'm watching pornography, socializing with strangers, or playing my favorite games. As I spent my time on the internet, I stumbled upon this web which were made for people, mostly artists, to upload and share their artworks for other to see and which also allowed pornography content. I thought it was some kind of "normal" art sharing website but no up until I saw a content that changed my life forever. It was "Sholi" aka "Shota-Loli" content, a child like character portrayed in a drawing. I had never seen something like that before but something in me found it attractive.

While living in a environment where "Pedophilia" or attraction toward minors deemed as a criminal offense, I always found myself feeling "guilty" after looking and enjoying myself to that particular content, and would delete or logging off from the website to keep and brush it away as if nothing ever happened. But sometimes you just can deny yourself, so I would go back to look at them every time I have the chance and when I need to give my self some "self pleasure".

As I'm turning older and older, I realize this isn't something that can be "fixed" or "fight", so at the age of 19 I took a moment to fully accept myself of being a homosexual guy who also attracted to minors. It wasn't something to be proud of, but it gave me the room I needed to finally be able to breathe and make peace with myself.

And as why I'm here, I’m interested in building genuine, long-term friendships with people who are understanding and share similar interests, learning more about other MAP's experience, and socializing more with other MAP. I recently just graduated high school, 2 years ago to be exact. I'm not working at the moment and primarily a stay at home guy, helping my family around at home. And while being at home for most of the time, I always spend my time playing games, listening to music, and scrolling through social media if not all at once together and watching some pornography. I'm not very good at communicating verbally, especially in English since it's my second language. It's not a condition that I was born with but something that developed over time due to lack of speaking (partners) and using multiple languages at the same without proper practice.

And with that being said, nice to meet you everyone, I hope we can be friends to whoever read this message and I'm wishing you all the best.

-A

[FairBlueLove]

Welcome to the forum, Anthony! Thank you for sharing your story, and glad to read that you are accepting towards yourself.

[annnshhh]

Welcome to the forum, Anthony! Thank you for sharing your story, and glad to read that you are accepting towards yourself.

Thank you, friend, it means a lot to me.